Advice · funny · humor · laugh · Life

For God’s Sake, Don’t Google That

My three-day bout with some sort of nasty bacillus-er-other has come to a close. Thank y’all for the many get-well wishes. What ever this thing or things was, presented a new symptom every day. I won’t go into the gory details, but to say, “For God’s sake, don’t Google your medical symptoms.” I did and it really messes with your head.

The body’s natural defenses have to get rid of all those nasty bugs so it’s natural that things smell differently at some point. I plugged in “odor” into Google and its handy “I’m guessing what you’re thinking based on things other people searched” feature filled out all sorts of weird guess. Just a side note, people who use Google, and that means everyone, are curiously dreadful people, including me.

After visiting a couple of the the top hits, I determined that I have one of the following:

  • Celiac Disease though I’ve never had it before and it’s a genetic disorder.
  • Advanced, Stage 3 liver cancer though you’d think I’d have noticed some other symptoms before now.
  • Any one of several heavy metal poisonings from eating large amounts of certain fish which I don’t eat.
  • Am possibly pregnant. Call the National Enquirer.

For now, I’m going with “it’s just my body getting rid of all the nastiness.” But all this got me thinking. It sure would be helpful if there were people out there who could make heads or tails out of all this mess. Sure, it might take a little more college to learn this stuff, possibly four years or more. In the end, these people would be able to help us figure out what’s ailing us and maybe even help us get well. They could even dress up in funny costumes like white coats and whatnot. Yeah, probably a pipe dream. Besides, when you’re sick, you don’t feel like getting out to see people anyway.

So kids, learn from my mistakes and stay off the Google for medical advice. If you believe everything you read on the internet, you’ll be doing surgery on yourself with a power drill and Swiss Army knife in your garage out of the fear that some ganglionic mass has taken over your pituitary gland. All because WebMD said you may have Nakajo syndrome. Well House, if you do have Nakajo syndrome, your parents were siblings and no amount of warnings will dissuade you from your self-surgery.

As for the rest of you, be well.

Oh, and if your armpits smell like tacos, the cure for that is “take a shower.” That’s a freebie from me to you.


13 thoughts on “For God’s Sake, Don’t Google That

  1. I’m glad you are on the mend. I work at a medical school and have access to all of the e-journals and diagnostic tools. I’ve convinced myself I had lupus and MS and various times. The worst was when I was pregnant. I had to ban myself from looking. (=

  2. So glad you are feeling better now. I went to WebMD once, never did that again. Also, my doctor told me to stay away from there………..Ha!

  3. Glad you’re feeling better – I’ve been out of the FB loop for a few days. WebMD has convinced me at least a couple of times that I was near death but it turns out I was just really bored. I miraculously cured myself and am thinking about writing a self-help book and doing the Oprah circuit.

  4. There is nothing wrong with using a power drill and a swiss army knife….NOTHING!

    Glad your feeling slightly better and stay away from ‘medical student syndrome’.

  5. Probably not the place to post this but I can’t see your latest article on AC. It says Content Coming Soon. Could you please let me know when it shows up? I’m afraid I’ll miss it. My content has been getting that message off and on today (my latest article). I just want to see your latest :)

  6. Oooopa! I’m not trying to promote my website on YOUR space so could you just delete my website info from my signature and leave the message. My brain froze or something. Typical.

  7. Only the brain fog from your pregnancy/cancer/other could account for the use of “you’re” instead of “your” in the sentence below.

    “Well House, if you do have Nakajo syndrome, you’re parents were siblings and no amount of warnings will dissuade you from your self-surgery.”

    My writing role model theBarefoot has bare feet of clay. This is shaking my world view, but I am going to try to get over it! You probably won’t make another grammar/spelling/punctuation mistake for years…:)

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