5 Things You’ll Never See On My Facebook Status

And 5 Things That Should Never Be On Yours

The Weather
If you want to know what the weather is where I live, go to Weather.com and look it up. I don’t post, “33 and snowy. Brrr!” My reasoning is two-fold. One, people only care about the weather where they are. Two, if you are where I am, you know what the weather is like. There are 10,000 places to check the weather and neither you nor I are meteorologists.

If there is a tornado ripping up my town, I might post, “Holy crap! There’s a tornado ripping up my town! If you live in the Greenlawn area, kiss your ass goodbye!” But that’s about the extent of my meteorological expertise.

Tornadoes are fairly common in my area. You should fully expect to see me post one day, “It’s coming right fer us! Well, what do you know? It really does sound like a freight train! The house is coming off its…arrrrrgggghhhhhhh!” Yes, in the interest of science, I will take the time to type “argh!” as I’m sucked into the funnel. I’ll upload pictures if time permits.

Cryptic & Begging Posts^*
“…is wondering if it’s all worth it,” will never grace my Facebook page. I also don’t reply to your status update that says, “…is blue the only color of my world?” If you need psychiatric help, get it from a professional, not your Facebook buddies. There are pills that will paint your world any color you want. You just have to ask the person with the degree and prescription pad.

Instead of posting your cry for help on Facebook, get off your ass and go to a psychiatrist. I’m not playing your sick little game because, frankly, I’m not qualified. Trust me. If you’re depressed, I’m the last person you want to hear from.

Has anyone on the verge of suicide ever said, “I was going to kill myself, but someone posted, ‘Buck up little camper’ on my Facebook wall and that saved my life?” They will never peel a jumper off the sidewalk and report, “Their mobile phone was still logged into Facebook. Apparently, they were checking replies to their status between the 64th and 22nd floors.”

Of course, if that does ever happen, you know the guy who finds the phone still logged in is going to post, “I’m so gay,” as the poor shlub’s last status update. It’s hard to resist messing with someone’s Facebook account when you find they forgot to log out or lock their device.

You’ll also never see, “…is dancing with toads in the deep blue sea,” in my Facebook status. I’m guilty of posting the occasional song lyrics, but I put them in quotes so you know they’re not mine. A Facebook sing-a-long can be a fun thing, but a cryptic message about seagulls doesn’t tell me anything. Here’s a news flash. Cryptic Facebook postings don’t make you look cool or hip. They make you look like a mental patient. I became your Facebook friend to get to know you better and your bizarre, pointless postings aren’t helping.

My High Score
I don’t play a lot of games on Facebook. I enjoy Bejeweled and some poker and that’s about it. I used to let those games autopost until I figure out how to stop them. Frankly, you don’t care that I just scored 200,000 points in Bejeweled. Frankly, neither do I. It was fun while it lasted. I killed a few minutes while my coffee was in the microwave. That’s the end of it.

Groups I’ve Joined
Facebook groups escape me. I see no reason to join “If 1,000,000 people join this group, I’ll shave my head.” How does “I bet I can find 1,000,000 people who support same sex marriage,” do anything to change the law? Whoopie. Your Facebook group has 211,034 members. Doah! You forgot Facebook wasn’t the real world. You also were so busy with Facebook, you forgot to vote or go to the State Capital and do something that would make a difference. Here’s a thought. Instead of joining a Facebook group, call or write your representative.

The groups that really boggle my mind are political groups. I’ve seen “Bob just joined Support for Candidate X,” but Bob doesn’t live in that district. Bob doesn’t even live in that State. What the hell is Bob going to do about electing Candidate X? Bob can’t vote there. It’s not like the Supreme Court is going to overturn election results based on which candidate had more Facebook groupies.

Facebook groups seem like nothing more than adult peer pressure. I had enough of that as an adolescent. Join all the groups you want. Join “I’m a fan of sleeping late.” It seems counter productive to me. Now you can’t sleep late because you have to get up and check all the crap on the Sleeping Late group page.

Good Morning/Good Night
Oh, dear Shiva! Please stop with the good morning posts. I know it’s morning. You know it’s morning. There’s no reason for us to exchange this information on Facebook.

The good night posts make less sense. If you’re going to bed, go to bed. When you post on Facebook, you are generally looking for feedback. Why would you post “good night” just to stay up for another hour checking Facebook to see how many people replied?

Drink your warm milk, brush your teeth, and go to sleep. If you don’t, the Facebook monster who lives under your bed will eat your face in the middle of the night and that’s a promise. He’s real. He has giant fangs. He wants your soul.

^*I was told that this section of this article is insensitive to the mentally ill. I disagree. I want people with mental illness to get real help. Getting support from friends, in real life or on the internet, can be a great source of comfort, but it is by no means a cure. Also, if you want your friend’s help, ask for it directly. The cryptic whinnying is an irritating cry for attention, not a direct request for help. For those people who find this article offensive or think it’s about them specifically, get a clue. I don’t even know you. Do some introspection and make a psychiatric appointment.