agoraphobia · Chicago · crazy · crime · insane · Lane Bryant · murder · robbery · violence

Another Good Reason to Never Leave the House

My wife suffers from agoraphobia.  To be completely honest, we both suffer from her agoraphobia. Now she has one more good reason to stay home.

She just popped in from the other room and said, “This is why I buy my clothes on-line or from one of the TV shopping channels.”  Then she recounted a news story she just saw where 5 people were killed in a botched robbery of a Chicago Lane Bryant store.  Great.  Now we have to worry about death by fashion.

It’s a sick, sad world when wackos are out shooting random fatties just trying to buy a smock.  Lane Bryant was our last hope at a trip to town.  Now that’s been taken away.  Maybe I can convince her the hobby & craft stores are still safe.  At least if something bad happens there, you can arm yourself with and X-acto knife.  Unlike the fabric store, where your best defense would be to hurl a bolt of fleece at an attacker.  I guess the sewing machine will remain idol, too.

I should take my life into my own hands and serpentine to the grocery store.  I need to stock the pantry with canned goods so we can barricade ourselves in for another month.  It’s a bomb-shelter existence, but it’s better than dying in Lane Bryant.  Anyone have a parcel of land in Montana for sale?  I need to build a compound.