Life · politics · Presidential

Screaming Into the Tweetosphere

This is twice now President has blindly parroted a web site. First, he says he saw the story about “what happened in Sweden Friday” on Fox News. He didn’t, but let’s go with that excuse. Now, he’s tweeted a totally baseless Breitbart story about Obama wiretapping Trump Tower. I’m not sure he understands what it means to be President of the United States. If the President makes an accusation like this, it warrants a special investigation. That will cost millions of dollars. The man who promised to cut the Federal budget, blindly blathers on about election fraud and wire tapping, inviting a multi-million dollar investigation.

So what is he up to? What’s going on inside the hamster wheel he calls a brain? Here are the possibilities.

  1. He has no clue what the office of the President is and has no idea how to execute his duties. He doesn’t understand restraint and measured words to keep the government sound and not waste money and manpower.
  2. He does understand the power of his position and he’s doing these things maliciously. That is the sign of a maniac or some other mental illness. Normal people don’t try to throw the country into a panic for nothing.
  3. He’s trying to detract from other news stories. This could be a subplot to any other reason, but it seems anytime Russia’s ties to this administration start creeping onto the front page, another outlandish tweet is fired from the President’s unsecured phone.
  4. He’s just round-the-barn-and-up-the-tree insane. If this is the case, he believes his own fabrications and alt-right news sites. His tweets are just that of a conspiracy nut parroting the stories that support his confirmation bias.
  5. What he is tweeting is true. This seems unlikely since most of his statements, when researched, are proven false.

None of these are preferable options. If these things are true, it is best to use the Presidency to structure an investigation, not fire blindly into the tweetosphere. If he’s insane, he needs to be removed from office before he damages the country further. If he’s distracting us from Russia, he’s trying to cover his own treason. If he understands the power of his office, he’s being an evil, vindictive, man who is trying to further divide the country no matter how much he talks about healing and bipartisanship. If he is clueless, he is dangerous to the security of the United States.

Which do you think it is or do you have your own theory? Discuss.


Why You’re a Horrible Person

It’s sadly predictable. Any time a tragedy like the Sandy Hook shooting occurs, the crazies pull out their soap boxes and start shouting at the top of their lungs. They don’t address the situation. They use the situation. They have their own, very specific axe to grind and that’s how they approach it.

Are they anti-gun? They start screaming about assault weapons. Are they pro-gun? They start screaming that Obama will use this to take your guns away. Are they ultra-conservative Christians? They blame the heinous act on removing prayer from schools. Are they militant atheists? They blame it all on extreme religious fanatics. Are they Iran? They blame it on the Jews. (I didn’t make that last one up.)

If when you saw the news about Sandy Hook, your first impulse was to reach for your soap box, you’re a horrible human being. If your first thought was, “See, my conspiracy theory fits here if I tweak this just a tad,” you are a sorry excuse for an evolved primate.

If your first thought wasn’t “Oh my fucking god! Why would anyone do such a vile and horrible thing?” You are a horrible person. If your second thought wasn’t, “I hope those parents and families find some sort of solace and peace and this doesn’t eat up their entire lives.” You are a horrible person. If you tried to bend the news to fit your world view, you are a conspiracy nut and you deserve to get locked in your bomb shelter.

Tragedies like Sandy Hook happen because there are evil, sociopaths in this world. It isn’t some MK-Ultra, government mind-control experiment. The shooter isn’t carrying a copy of Catcher in the Rye. The shooter is mentally ill. There is no other explanation for killing 20 kids than that. Period. Full stop. Paragraph break.

Weep for the lost. Weep for the survivors. Even weep for the shooter. But don’t start placing blame on your conspiracy of choice or imagined cause du jour.

Now continue weeping for all the children who will die today, not from bullets, but from starvation. Hundreds will die from lack of clean water. Dozens will die from land mines left from long-forgotten wars. A few may die from a drone-strike gone wrong. It doesn’t have to happen in Connecticut to hit close to home or heart. Weep and continue weeping until all the children on this planet have at least a chance to grow up.


Fun at the Pharmacy

Little Things You Can Do to Mess with People

    originally written & published Nov 12, 2006 on Associated Content

Sorry kiddies. The title of this article was not “Fun with pharmaceuticals.” If you misread, I apologize. These are tips on messing with the pharmacy staff. If they don’t appreciate it, if these don’t brighten their day, you never heard of me.

Face it. Trips to the pharmacy usually follow lengthy doctor’s visits. Your stress level is high and sometimes you are in pain. One of my first AC articles was about my consternation at the pharmacy. I’ve since de-stressed and plotted my revenge the only way I know how, with laughter. Here are some fun things to do when you get your next prescription filled.

Ask non-sequitur questions
When the clerk asks, “Do you have any questions?” Ask them something totally off-the-wall like, “Yes. Who was the third President of the United States?” This actually got two clerks into a little debate at my local Publix. Sadly, the pharmacist refused to get involved.

When the young ladies came to the consensus that it was John Adams, I had to inform them that it was Thomas Jefferson. The lady working the register said, “I was never good at history. If you’d asked me about art or graphic design though…”

I immediately interrupted her and asked, “Who painted Thomas Jefferson’s official portrait.” Yet another stumper for the art student.

Ask if it is “buy one, get one free” day
This one works well when the pharmacy is in a grocery store and there is a sale going on. Obviously, drugs are exempt, but don’t let that stop you from asking. If you want to push it, try to give the clerk a coupon. Insist that they should honor the shampoo coupon for your medication.

I think I’ve over-used this one at Publix. The last time I asked a new clerk if it was “buy one, get one free” day, the “Barefoot-experienced” clerk in the background didn’t bat an eye and chimed in with, “Don’t forget to punch his frequent-buyer card.” The newbie was really confused at that point. Especially when I started fishing in my wallet and telling her that it’s a “buy 9, get the 10th free” card and I was up to seven. I thought the other clerk was going to fall down laughing.

Ask for a consult with the pharmacist
The law requires that the pharmacist answer any question you might have about your prescription. Some pharmacies even have a special window or area marked “Consult.” Put on you best game face and be as serious as possible for this.

Treat the consult like a visit to the psychiatrist’s office. Instead of questions about the medicine, start telling a long story about your traumatic childhood. “When I was five, my parents were killed in a car wreck” or “I’m having nightmares about chickens wearing tube socks. Could this be a sign of repressed memories of child abuse?” The look on the pharmacist’s face is worth it. Trust me.

Use your pill bottles as a rhythm instrument and dance your way out of the store. This works best if you sing along, too. I recommend Jump in the Line by Harry Belafonte. You remember this song from the end of the move Beetlejuice, don’t you? “Shake, shake, shake, Senora.” “Jump in the line, rock your body in time. OK, I believe you!” Nothing? OK, choose your own tune then. Be sure to shake your new maracas.

Here’s to making your next trip to the pharmacy an enjoyable one. Live your life to the fullest, because a day without sunshine is like night. (You were expecting some pearl of wisdom?) Just go have fun. It cost nothing, but offers great return.

You can talk about Cha Cha, Tango, Waltz, or de Rumba.
Senora’s dance has no title. You just jump in the saddle.
Hold on to the bridle!


The Worldwide Sock Conspiracy

Kids, I came to a frightening realization today; socks are slowly taking over the world. They are doing it very slyly and subtlety. First, watch this video wherein I explain what the cheeky bastards are up to. Then, check your sock drawer. You’ll see that I’m right. Something has to be done, people! What it is, I don’t know…yet, but I’ll figure it out. If you have suggestions about how to handle this situation, please let me know what we can do about the worldwide sock conspiracy. We must unite, stand together, and never waiver, no matter how these insipid socks try to control our minds.

Link for the embed impaired.
We are the 50/50% poly-cotton blend.


A Special Kind of Crazy

I live my life honestly both on and off the internet. It not only makes life more simple, it’s the right thing to do. Because of this, I had forgotten something I learned long ago. That something? There is a special kind of crazy reserved just for the internet.

There are four different types of crazy on the internet:

  1. Trolls: They’re easy to spot. They’re easy to deal with, too: Ignore or destroy.
  2. Haters: Their foul language gives them away and necessitates their deletion.
  3. Drama Queens: They come in both genders and need to fabricate drama. They usually do the same in real life, too.
  4. Insane in the brain: Unfortunately, the truly mentally ill are on the internet, too.

Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish whether someone is 3 or 4. Often the really crazy people seem like ordinary drama queens until it’s too late. So why am I writing this? What jarred my memory and put me back on a cautious footing? A simple alert for my name.

The other day, I got an alert that my full name showed up on a blog I’d never heard of. I followed the link, read the post, and found some pretty nasty things. Obviously, the author of the blog knew of me, but I didn’t recognize their blog. I dropped a comment in along the lines of “Who are you and when did it piss in your Cheerios?” I should have researched the blog first.

In researching the blog and trying to figure out who the person was, I saw lots of comments on their recent posts were unmistakable from a well-know, combination #1/#4 from the AC forums. He was egging this person on. Like attracts like is so true on the internet. Crazy is like a magnet for other crazies. Just look at all the conspiracy sites out there.

It took me about 30 minutes of searching before I figured out who the blogger was. Turns out, the blog writer is an ex-Facebook friend, who unfriended me three months ago over an Associated Content article I wrote. I thought they were just a drama queen, but in hindsight, they’re a full-on #4.

Again, I’m poignantly reminded that not everyone on the internet is reasonable or even mentally stable. I’ll keep hoping for the best in everyone, but my guard will be up a little higher. Luckily, a great weekend intervened between last week’s manufactured internet drama and today’s perspective. In that weekend, I drove 640 round-trip miles and got to visit with my mom. That’s always a good thing that can blur even the craziest trolling hating drama queen.

Alabama · COFRA · crazy · fat · funny · law · legislation · Mississippi · obese · rant · stupid

No Soup for You, Lard Ass

Mississippi House Bill 282, currently before the state legislature, would prevent restaurants with more than five seats from serving obese people as determined by the state’s health department. Repeat offenders would be subject to fines or closure. Even the bills sponsor, W.T. Mayhall, Jr. says he knows the bill has less of a chance at survival than a bucket of KFC at a Weight Watchers meeting. He just wants the large, good people of Mississippi to consider their health and thinks this will get the conversation started. After all, Mississippi was just granted the title “fattest state in the nation,” with 62% of its population defined as obese.

My first thought when hearing this story was, “Why would restaurants want to keep out the fatties? They’re your best customers. This is like banning athletes from gyms.” Then there’s the whole problem of determining who is huge enough to face discrimination. Will Mississippi restaurants have to narrow their doors? Will they install the human-size version of the airport carry-on luggage measuring box? I imagine it will have a sign over it which reads, “If your ass is bigger than this, you are not welcome.” I wonder if signs like, “No shirt. No shoes. No Fatties.” are already being printed in the Magnolia state.

As bizarre as all that sounds, the really funny thing I learned while investigating this story is there is a real organization called The Coalition of Fat Rights Activists (COFRA). A group actually proud of their flab…er…glandular problem, who feel fat people face enough discrimination, they need an activist group. I’m no spring chicken, but I’ll stick with, “I could stand to lose a few pounds,” before I swing over the fence to “Fat is beautiful. RascalTM scooters for everyone!”

Here in Alabama, we have an expression for when people make fun of our state, “Thank God there’s Mississippi.” Having Mississippi as our neighbor really lowers the bar and takes all the pressure off.

More information from a more sane source.

agoraphobia · Chicago · crazy · crime · insane · Lane Bryant · murder · robbery · violence

Another Good Reason to Never Leave the House

My wife suffers from agoraphobia.  To be completely honest, we both suffer from her agoraphobia. Now she has one more good reason to stay home.

She just popped in from the other room and said, “This is why I buy my clothes on-line or from one of the TV shopping channels.”  Then she recounted a news story she just saw where 5 people were killed in a botched robbery of a Chicago Lane Bryant store.  Great.  Now we have to worry about death by fashion.

It’s a sick, sad world when wackos are out shooting random fatties just trying to buy a smock.  Lane Bryant was our last hope at a trip to town.  Now that’s been taken away.  Maybe I can convince her the hobby & craft stores are still safe.  At least if something bad happens there, you can arm yourself with and X-acto knife.  Unlike the fabric store, where your best defense would be to hurl a bolt of fleece at an attacker.  I guess the sewing machine will remain idol, too.

I should take my life into my own hands and serpentine to the grocery store.  I need to stock the pantry with canned goods so we can barricade ourselves in for another month.  It’s a bomb-shelter existence, but it’s better than dying in Lane Bryant.  Anyone have a parcel of land in Montana for sale?  I need to build a compound.