Fear and Loathing in the Medicine Cabinet


What’s in your medicine cabinet that strikes fear in your heart? What is that family cure that is worse than the disease? Is it something you only hang onto because your grandma swore by it?

For my wife’s grandmother it was Campho Phenique. Her family jokes that if you cut your head off, grandma would say, “Just rub some Campho Phenique on it, honey.”

My mother-in-law used to torture…er…cure her children with an old, crusty bottle of Pepto Bismol purchased in 1961. The cap was so encrusted, you couldn’t open it, but the simple presentation of the pink slime was enough to cure every child on the block. School attendence was quite high in that neighborhood.

Now I’ve found something similar that can scare…er…cure (scure? cuare?) the living demons out of you. I was introduced to BioFreeze at a chiropractor’s office and re-introduced to it after a recent massage where I picked up a roll-on version. I decided we’d be using this stuff pretty regularly so I placed a bulk order for 12 roll-ons and 12 spray applicators.

The spray version is my new scure. It so lives up to the brand name with an emphasis on “freeze.” My first application of the spray made the demon inside me confess its name, leap from my body, and run down the street looking for a priest to exercise it. (I’ve since heard, that priest bought that demon a gym membership where he exercises every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.) I also briefly spoke in tongues which, if I translated correctly, meant, “Holy fucking Allah! That shit is colder than Andre 3000 on a snowmobile! Get it off! Make it stop! Rama-lama-ding-dong. We’ve got rhythm,” before passing out from nearly instantaneous hypothermia.

I wasted money buying 12 bottles. I’ll only ever need the one. BioFreeze, the scure for sore muscles, aching limbs, that listless feeling, cardiac arrest, impotence, and demonic possession. Get yours today!

Advertisements

9 Comments

Add yours →

  1. I’m going to need 12 bottles myself!

  2. Yeah, send me one–sounds wonderful!

    I read your blog to Lynn, who laughed so hard she choked…

  3. Thomas Forthe April 5, 2013 — 13:26

    Spelling from memory is always fun, but Macurachrome, or Methyolade was reason for nightmares. According to your spellchecker they are wrong… according to mine whiskey will fix it. :)

  4. My chiropractor has some stuff like that- oh Lordy! Just be sure to wash your hands VERY WELL after using it, especially if you have to go to the bathroom. hehee

  5. Love the word you coined!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: