Winning Bejeweled Blitz Strategies Based on the Kama Sutra
Posted by theBarefoot on November 9, 2012
Winning or just scoring highly in Bejeweled Blitz is as easy as falling in love or at least making love.
Position #12: The Duck – Make Things Explode
Exploding gems not only score more points, they produce multipliers. Bejeweled Blitz, like your partner, wants to experience explosions. If you have the opportunity to make things explode, make them explode, both in the game and in the bedroom.
Position #17: The Stag – Multipliers
The real secret to high scores in Bejeweled Blitz is the multiplier gem. As with sex, particularly spectacular moves, usually involving explosions, make the multipliers appear. Bejeweled Blitz, like your partner, really tries to make getting to the multiplier easy. Most multipliers are only one or two moves away. If you can get multipliers early and often, you will score more points in both Bejeweled and the bedroom. If you can create multiple any things, you’ll have a satisfying time.
Position #26: The Monkey in the Tree – Keep Moving
The faster you go, the higher you score. Keep moving. Keep matching. If you go fast enough, long enough, every match starts to explode. I can’t make it much more clear than that. It works exactly like sex with no explanation needed. I played one game where I was able to generate two speed bonuses. I had to smoke a cigarette afterward.
Position #32: The Lotus Blossom – Don’t Rest on Your Laurels
You don’t get points for watching things happen. You get points for making things happen. Do not focus your eyes. Do not watch the move you are making. Always look elsewhere for the next move you will be making. If you focus too long on what is currently happening, it’s all over. Just like sex guys, let you mind go elsewhere if you don’t want things to come to an abrupt end.
Position #88: The Reverse Inverted Wheelbarrow and Electric Toy Train – Don’t Just Grab Random Gems
Using the hint button resets your speed bonus to zero, but so does not making a match for more than three seconds. If you can’t find the right move, use the hint. Just like in bed, it’s better to ask for directions than randomly grab at things. Randomly grabbing gets you no where, annoys your partner, and causes chafing.
Position #101: The Walk About Town – Cheats
Bejeweled Blitz has a feature called “Bonuses.” You may start a game with up to three bonuses like a Double Multiplier and Five Additional Seconds of Play. Each bonus combination creates unique strategy scenarios. Just like sex, these “bonuses” are basically cheating. Just like sex, you have to pay to cheat. You must buy your bonuses with coins collected during previous games, effectively transferring money earned under legitimate circumstances to illegitimate activities. Once you see the amazing high score you can achieve when you start with the right bonus combination, just like in life, you will at first feel elated. This will be quickly replaced by feelings of disgust because you know you’re poorer and dirtier than you should be.
Happy Blitzing. My favorite bonus combination is 2X, Random, and Detonator. Immediately detonate and you’ve started the game with a double multiplier. The best special gem you can buy for a really high score is the Phoenix Gem. Don’t bother with Moonstones and Cat’s Eye’s. You’re just wasting coins. Have a whole pack of smokes ready for the after glow.
This entry was posted on November 9, 2012 at 07:25 and is filed under comedy. Tagged: bejeweled, blitz, Facebook, games, gaming, hint button, kama sutra, pop cap, satire, sex, speed bonuses. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.