Dealing With Death Statistics


Most car accidents happen within 5 miles of home. That’s why I park my car 6 miles from home and walk the rest of the way.

The most common room of the house to die in is the bathroom. That’s why I built my house without one. I shower under the hose and poop on the lawn. Mysteriously, the neighbors all chipped in to buy me a 10-foot-tall privacy fence.

You are less likely to die from an accidentally firearm discharge than surgical complications. That’s why I hold a gun to my surgeon’s head during all medical procedures. I call this medical quid pro quo. The doctor usually calls the cops.

You’re also more likely to drown than be accidentally shot. That’s why I always swim with a shotgun. I once caught what started out as a 20-pound bass, but it was only 4 pounds of fish flakes by the time I got it to the surface.

You’re more likely to die from renal failure than a motor vehicle accident, but this statistic discounts those suffering from the dreaded “car bumper jammed through your kidney” syndrome.

More car accidents happen the Monday after Day Light Saving Time begins than any other day of the year. That’s why I don’t reset my clocks. I unplug them and take the day off.

Males are twice as likely to commit suicide as women. Remember this next time a guy asks you to dance, ladies. You break our hearts really hard.

The number one cause of death for children ages one to nine is motor vehicle accidents. Who is letting these kids drive?

Suicide is the number three killer of teenagers. This is just proof that emo kids are right. Life sucks. Kill yourself especially if you’re an emo kid.1

In the later teen years, homicide is the number 2 killer. Mostly, this is all the regular kids and disappointed parents killing the emos.

Louisiana has the highest number of firearm deaths each year. Maybe it’s time to reconsider that whole “Sportsman’s Paradise” slogan. I don’t recommend, “Come for the food. Stay for the shotgun blast to the face,” as a replacement slogan, either. However, I would endorse organized emo kid hunts.

Some studies link cigarette smoking to cervix cancer. Really? You’re either smoking that cigarette wrong or you’re doing two shows a night at Bob’s Boobie Bungalow.

The world is a scary place, full of scarier numbers. I try not to let the statistics scare me into paralysis. Sometimes you just have to jam the gears into drive, put your foot on the pedal, and run a few people off the sidewalk. What? Those numbers just don’t make themselves.


1It’s has been pointed out that this article is rather harsh on emo kids. Before you feel any sympathy for emos, read the comments on this YouTube video.

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One Comment

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  1. I love this, truly! this is so spot on about how people (yep, even me) can become so obsessed with scary statistics that they become immobilized with the fear of ‘what if?’. thanks for bringing the ludicrous to the forefront (as always).

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