Million Dollar Inventions


That Haven’t Been Invented Yet, but Should Be

My brain keeps spitting these inventions out, but I’m no inventor/engineer/financier. When you develop one of these and make your first million, please remember the staving author.

The Blue Tooth Hat
I’m constantly chatting people up, only to be given the finger. No not THAT finger; the hang-on-a-second-I’m-on-the-phone finger. (Well sometimes I get the other finger, but let’s not discuss it.) How am I to know that they are talking on their Blue Tooth phone before I interrupt? The answer is the Blue Tooth Hat.

The concept of the Blue Tooth Hat is simple. Incorporate a light into the hat that is activated when you’re on your cell phone. I envision a neon band encircling the hat so it is visible 360 degrees. This idea has real potential. I see a whole line of Blue Tooth jewelry. One might even have these items pulsate in response to the conversation; sort of a walk-around-town, disco light. The sky’s the limit.

The Airport Vending Machine
I thought this one up after 9/11 when the TSA stopped allowing simple things like finger-nail trimmers on airplanes. Set up a vending machine that sells all the forbidden items near the baggage claim. The baggage-claim crowd is pretty much a captive audience, milling zombie-like around the carousel in a scene reminiscent of Logan’s Run. The only thing missing are the chants of, “Renew! Renew!” So why not have them, “Buy! Buy!”?

I actually saw this type of vending machine in a hotel recently, but the key to making a million off this is product placement. To be successful with this, you must get your machines into the baggage claim area of major airports. Desperate travelers will be snatching up tiny bottles of shaving cream, tooth paste, and mouthwash at 400% markup. Easy street is yours for the taking.

The Pneumatic Hand Truck
This idea came from my time in the Big House. (Yes, dear reader, the author did a two-year stretch, working for the U.S. Postal Service. He’s paid his debt and would like to move on with his life.) Letter carriers struggle all the time with those white, plastic tubs. Often stacking 3 or 4 on a hand truck to trudge them into a building and make their rounds. The problem is, as the tubs are emptied and stacked inside each other, the carrier has to bend lower and lower to reach the mail.

The pneumatic hand truck would have a long tine or basket to hold the tubs. Pneumatic pistons would be calibrated to raise the basket as the weight decreased. This would keep the top tub at the proper height and save wear and tear on the carrier’s back. There are other applications for this, but once you get that sweet government contract, you’ll be lighting your cigars with 100 dollar bills.

Single-use Super Glue
It boggles the reason of Socrates why Super Glue comes in such a large container. Once opened, you’re only getting one application. After that the lid becomes…are you ready?…glued to the flippin’ tube! The person that starts packaging this product in tiny, 5 drop applicators will not only be rich; they will have my undying gratitude.

The Garbage Can Garbage Can
How do you throw away a garbage can? The trash collector’s job is to pick up the can, empty the can, put back the can. What do you do when it’s the can that you are trying to get rid of? If you put it on the curb, they are just going to leave it behind because that’s what garbage men do. The concept is to have another garbage can, big enough so the damaged can will fit inside it. Presto! The can is now the garbage. I’ll admit, this one has limited application and my not be a big money maker. To really make of go of this, cleaver marketing is required.

The Garbage Can Mailbox
Speaking of garbage cans, I’d love to see a mailbox that just dumps the mail directly in the trash. In this digital age, I don’t get any mail worth opening. It’s all just circulars, coupons, and people begging for donations. It all goes straight in the dumper. I’d pay real money for a mailbox with a garbage can underneath. Having all that junk mail in a can that’s already on the curb sure would be a work-saver.

Feel free to develop these products and make your first million. Just please remember the source of your inspiration. The author has bills, student loans, car repairs, a mole that needs some attention, a dog that needs de-worming, a brake job on the old truck, new tires, food (food is handy) . . .

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One Comment

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  1. Make a sticker at Zazzle that says: “Garbage Man Please Take This Can” and market them then you don’t have to come up with another can because eventually your can would be so big you may as well rent a dumpster.

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