The Recently Deceased Need Love Too
Originally written & published Nov 18, 2006 at Associated Content
Talk about hard to buy for. Zombies never shop for themselves and depend on the holiday season and your generosity. Here are 10 great suggestions for the special zombie on your holiday list.
That is pretty self-explanatory. Zombies stink. They are rotting flesh after all. Pick up a nice bottle of cologne, too. Go all out with the Old Spice gift set. There’s nothing like getting you brain ripped out by someone who smells like Grandpa.
A zombie’s feet hurt all the time. A good pair of Nikes would do well. They’d stop all that lumbering and stumbling. They might even get in a good run.
Zombies never have new clothes. Their wardrobe is rotting as fast as they are. A nice velure track suit would be welcomed by any undead creature. It’s easy to put on over chunks of hanging flesh and very comfortable. It also allows them to blend in at Walmart. A wandering zombie in a track suit is indistinguishable from any other Walmart shopper.
Who doesn’t like Godiva chocolate? Wonderful, truffle-filled bites of joy. Grab a box of Godiva’s newest confection, Bits-o-Brain. Chunks of cerebellum covered in dark chocolate with just a hint of pecan. Yum!
You think zombies just spontaneously break into the Thriller dance? It takes hours of practice. Zombies only spend half their day ambling about eating people. The rest of their day is taken up with dance rehearsal. Give the gift of music so your special zombie won’t be out of step at the next video shoot.
A magazine subscription is always nice, but what do zombies read? Any of the supermarket-checkout-worthy publications, of course. Get the zombie on your list a subscription to People, Us, Oprah, The National Enquirer or The Star. Very few of the undead read National Review or The New Republic, but there are some. So know your zombie’s taste. Pass on anything with recipes. Zombies don’t cook.
A Good Book
Luckily for you and the zombie on your list, this is a no-brainer. Grey’s Anatomy is the perfect read for the recently rotten. Not only can it help them keep things together, so to speak, it doubles as a guide to mealtime.
What zombie wouldn’t love to have a Rush 24/7 subscription? Your zombie could join thousands of other zombies and watch the “Ditto Cam.” Rush Limbaugh is obviously the leader of the zombie nation, but how does he stay immune from their endless lust to eat humans? The answer is simple. He has no brain, nothing to trigger the zombie eating instinct. That’s why zombies love Rush Limbaugh.
A new radio locked on Air America is a great zombie gift. It’s dead. They’re dead. What could be more perfect? For just a few dollars more, Al Franken will come to any zombie convention or blood fest and speak in person. He seems to have a lot of time on his hands nowadays.
People were trampled for this? What the frack? Pup tents at Best Buy; stampedes at Walmart; these people are the definition “undead.” They’ve only left their house once in the last 3 years and that was to buy a new game system. This is the ultimate zombie gift. They obviously love video games and they are so addicted, it will keep them off the streets. That’s a win-win if I ever saw one.
Item 7, “A Good Book,” was written especially for this re-release and substituted for the original item “Rachel Ray”.