Dear Gods of Lawn Service Maintenance


Dear gods of lawn service maintenance, please send me a teenage boy. OK, that sounded really wrong. Allow me to start over.

This unusually warm weather has caused my lawn to awaken early from its winter slumber. As I see it begin to grow, a hundred thoughts race through my head. Change the blade on the lawn mower. Check the oil. Get gasoline. Go to Lowe’s. Get $200 worth of flowers and soil. But one overriding thought fills my mind, my back hurts!

I’ve had this bad back since I hurt it at 19 in a warehouse. For two weeks it’s had me double over, shuffling like and old man. I can’t see how I’m going to do any yard work like this. I’ve had offers in the past from neighborhood kids looking to earn some money, but I turned them all down. Now I’m praying for one to come by and offer. I’d hire the kid in a New York minute.

I just can’t see me doing much of anything in the yard with my back the way it is. I know I’ll regret this, but…if you know of any able-bodied, young men who don’t mind working up a sweat, send them my way. There’s good money in it for them.

Ah jebus, that’s going to come back to bite me when I run for office.

In the meantime, enjoy this flying lawnmower. Maybe that will distract you enough from the how disgusting all that sounded.


Link for the embed impaired.

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2 Comments

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  1. O prophet, reading this reveals to me my future in ten years. I better start saving some dough for when the yardwork I look so forward to now just ain’t no fun any more!

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