abuse · child · Crimson Tide · death · football · infant · obituary · odd · University of Alabama · weird names

Conflicted Over This One

I’m not usually an obituary collector, but this deserves special attention. I’m conflicted. On the one hand, I mourn the loss of an innocent, infant life. On the other hand, I can only think that rabid football and NASCAR fans should not procreate at all.

First, you must understand that Choctaw County, Alabama isn’t known as the center of the intellectual universe. Second, college football is the only reason some people carry on from day to day. This is true in many place, not at all limited to Southern States. If you are, are becoming, or know anyone who would do this to their poor child, seek rehab or plan an intervention immediately.

This is the obituary from AL.COM, the Mobile addition. (Note: that is the city of Mobile, pronounced “Mo-bee-l”. Not to be confused with a mobile, pronounce “Mo-bile”, version of the internet on your sorry-ass iPhone.) . It reads as follows:


Conagher Crimson Tideus Maximus Sellers, a native and resident of Gilbertown, died Sunday at a family home. He was an infant.

This is the point where a true Southerner would add the phrase, “Bless his heart.” This poor departed soul’s parents are such entrenched U. of AL fans, they named their child after the Crimson Tide, nickname for the school’s football team. As if Conagher wasn’t bad enough, they tacked on “Crimson Tideus Maximus.” It sounds vaguely august, in a redneck sort of way, too.

I don’t know these folks, but something tells me the kid had a the number 3 shaved into his head in memory of Dale Earnhardt Jr. Dad either has a matching tattoo or a #3 shaved into his back hair.

Rest in peace Conagher. You are safer in the bosom of the Lord than you would have been getting your ass repeatedly kicked from age 6 to 17.


8 thoughts on “Conflicted Over This One

  1. oh, and did I mention the funeral I went to a year or so ago where the deceased was buried in a Crimson Tide polo shirt?

  2. Thankfully for my son I could care less about my college. He could have been named Big Sky Lumberjack. Or dirty hippie. Both are fitting mascots for Northern Arizona University.

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