Snail Sex. Snail Orgy.


Every time it rains, which thank gawd hasn’t been recently, the snails come out. I assume they live in the bushes that lead to my front door. The least little rain sends them into a sexual frenzy. They pour out on to my walkway creating a mine field of crunchy lust.

I love all living creatures, except my mother-in-law, and it pains my to accidentally crush one of these little critters, but if you could see what they are doing. It’s just a bisexual lust fest on my porch. They stumble around, seeking another of their kind and spend the afternoon entwined in hot, bisexual snail sex. It’s a shame when they’re interrupted by my boot.

I can imagine that having your house and body simultaneously crushed while in the throws of passion would be traumatic for anyone. It pains me. I don’t do it on purpose. I tried to tip-toe through the orgy of slime love, but invariably one gets it. Then it’s like a mine field. One goes off, I jump left. Another blows, I jump right. Kapow! Crunch!

Obliteration of love. My bad. Sorry about the stomping on your love thing. You little pesky appetizer.

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5 Comments

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  1. Yeck. I would have been just fine this morning without the visual picture of the slime people. I used to live in seattle where the slugs grew to about a foot long. It was pretty gross because you’d trip over the big old sticky things and they’d stick to your shoe and cover your foot with slug glue. We used to leave out bowls of beer because they’re all alcoholics and like to have a little buzz on before commiting the act, (I guess it makes the other snails look better). They’d get drunk and fall in the bowl and drown. You can also pour salt on them and watch them dissolve, (Ayeeeeeeeeeeee! I’m meltinggggggg!). One other thing, slugs and snails are hermaphrodites that have both male and female sex organs and are fully capable of having sex with themselves, (which is really interesting considering they have no hands with wich to………Well, you know), and really bad eyesight and acne. Aren’t you glad you know so much about slugs and snails now?

  2. I was thinking about sprinkling the slugs with salt (as Chris mentioned), but I guess that’d be cruel. The bowl of beer would be much more entertaining. I’ll trade ya “palmetto” bugs for slugs :)

  3. i think that is so crule i’m not been afensive or anythin but i keep snails and yes they can be a handful and i know its hard not to stand on them but droning them and dissolving them its just like us been put in a bowl of lava. im not been a soppy snail lover but i like all livin things (apart fron wood louse and slugs) and im not been mean but i dont think killin them is a very nice way of gettin rid of them. The best way is leave a lettuce leaf in abottle and wait for the snails or slugs then when they come chuck them somewwhere not near your house it works every time wid me

  4. A number of years backwhen I was living in San Jose, there was a lot of rain that year.There was so much, the drain covers were shooting off into the air. My plants were overrun with snails. I didn’t want to put snail bait down with children and the dog around. The dog would have thought that beer was a treat for her.I didn’t want a lot of salt in my soil. Instead I got some kids together. I told them they could have a penny a piece, for every snail they found that day. One little girl found about ten and got a dime. She was so grossed out after that, she quit looking. One fearless wonder, who was very much into nature, earned herself a nice five dollars and fifty cents that day. Ugh, have you ever seen that many snails in a pile? gaggg. It made my skin crawl. It solved my snail problem though.

  5. just give them wine

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