comedy · funny · humor · joke · laugh · odd · strange · Ventriloquist · weird · youtube

Don’t Put Words in my Mouth

I laughed myself silly at this. Not far to go, I know.

Ventriloquist aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but this twist had me crying with laughter. Paul Zerdin brings a volunteer on stage, outfits him with a remote-controlled mouth and has his way with the subject. The outstanding part is how well this guy plays along. He does a great job anticipating Zerdin’s quips. The “dummy” in this routine deserves a contract of his own. Notice the “sexy” wave. Then notice the dance moves that don’t happen.

Sorry about the sound quality. You have to turn up the volume and the laughter gets loud, but you’ll be laughing along with it, so enjoy.

Alabama · ASMS · Jimmy Wales · software · South Park · Tweak · Virgil Griffith · Wiki · Wiki scanner · wikipedia

Where is Virgil Griffith from and What’s a Wiki Scanner?

You’ve probably read about Wiki Scanner, the new software that exposes just who is editing Wiki. Beyond the fact that it is the coolest software to come out this month, Wiki Scanner is a real eye-opener. It reveals the fact that many corporate entries are edited by corporate employees. The scanner is the brain child of CalTech grad student Virgil (David) Griffith.

Yeah, I know his real name. See, Virg was a high school undergrad of my daughter’s at the very prestigious Alabama School of Math and Science. ASMS nurtures some of the brightest minds in the country. Virg is yet one more in a growing line of super-nerds being birthed in Alabama. Y’all think we’re all ‘possum-eaten rednecks, but we got game, Bubba.

Her memories of him are “twitchy and nervous.” Apparently, he was the South Park Tweak of his high school class.

Raise a glass to Virgil, Wiki, Alabama, and South Park. Dear God, that was a strange toast to make. But any excuse for a drink is better than none.

I almost forgot to mention that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales is from Alabama, too. Boo Yea! In your face Massachusetts.

AC · Associated Content · hyperlink · internet writing · money · page hits · page view · web · web writing · writing

Make More Money with Good Headlines.

Good headlines can be the key to more money when writing web content. It is also one of those things I take interest in and tinker with. I did my own headline analysis a while back. It’s playing out nicely. A joke article I wrote about vacations is racking up the hits mostly because of the title. People who are looking for cheap vacations are probably pissed when they see it, but the joke is on them.

The next town hall meeting takes place on Wed., August 22nd, 2007 at 8 p.m. Eastern. The topic of the next town hall meeting is: Writing Headlines 101. On the web, headlines are often just as important as the body of your content. The best ones can grab the attention of readers, social book-marking sites and search engines alike. Log in to AC, join the Town Hall and learn how to write direct, unique headlines to maximize traffic to your AC content.

critters · funny · humor · lame · orgy · pest · sex · snail sex · snails · stupid

Snail Sex. Snail Orgy.

Every time it rains, which thank gawd hasn’t been recently, the snails come out. I assume they live in the bushes that lead to my front door. The least little rain sends them into a sexual frenzy. They pour out on to my walkway creating a mine field of crunchy lust.

I love all living creatures, except my mother-in-law, and it pains my to accidentally crush one of these little critters, but if you could see what they are doing. It’s just a bisexual lust fest on my porch. They stumble around, seeking another of their kind and spend the afternoon entwined in hot, bisexual snail sex. It’s a shame when they’re interrupted by my boot.

I can imagine that having your house and body simultaneously crushed while in the throws of passion would be traumatic for anyone. It pains me. I don’t do it on purpose. I tried to tip-toe through the orgy of slime love, but invariably one gets it. Then it’s like a mine field. One goes off, I jump left. Another blows, I jump right. Kapow! Crunch!

Obliteration of love. My bad. Sorry about the stomping on your love thing. You little pesky appetizer.

Advice · grass · home · home buying · humor · laugh · lawn · mowing · real estate · yard work

How to Kill Weeds, Flowers and Your Lawn

Become the Scourge of the Neighborhood in 3 Seasons

I tried turning on the flood lights at 9pm and working under their soft glow. Someone once told me “Gardening at night is never work.” My neighbor told me, “If you do that again, I’m calling the cops.” Don’t worry. He’ll find a pine cone in his yappy dogs butt next weekend. >>read the rest. it’s the best >>

AC · Associated Content · HTML · javascript · metrics · page hits · page view · software

Updated PV Converter and New Quick Stats

For AC members only.

I’ve updated the Page-view converter to version 1.5. The new feature is a table that breaks out some basic information and does a few addition calculations.

  Total Num Total PV Avg PV Best PV
All Articles        
Free Articles        
Paid Articles        

Plus, the total of your payments and your highest paying article.

I’ve also code a basic page parser, AC Quick Stats. Drop in your AC Homepage and it will total the number of articles and calculate your average page views.

Why? How do you use the new info? One thing that goes into getting better offers from AC is your track record. Proven producers get better offers. Hopefully, you can use this to figure out what you’re doing right and wrong.

If you have any suggestions for new features, just let me know.

A big thanks to Michy for hosting the pages at Accentuate Services.

If you’re not a member at AC and like to write FOR MONEY, it’s easy to get started. You can check out my Getting Started primer for more info or drop me a line in the comments.

AC · AlwaysOn · Associated Content · investment · Luke Beatty · money · new · venture capital

Associated Content Now $10 Million Richer

Besides getting a new CEO a few weeks ago, Associated Content has been out wooing investors.  During the AlwaysOn Stanford Summit 2007, the company announced that Canaan Partners had invested $10 million in AC.

There’s no telling how long $10 million will last, but it should go long way to turning Luke Beatty’s dream into a money-maker.

During the same meeting, AlwaysOn released its peer-nominated list of top 100 private companies.  No surprise that AC was on the list.  They seem to have a solid model and business plan.

News blurb

Advice · bride · chicks · family · funny · glasses · humor · Life · optometry · relationship · wife

I Have a Trophy Wife

I took some time out of my busy schedule to spend some time with my wife. You have to do that every once in a while guys. Trust me on this one. It cuts down on the couch time.

I took her to the spa. By spa, I mean optometrist. She put off going for 2 years and I insisted because she was missing all of my beauty. By beauty, I mean the lights were out because I forgot to pay the utility bill.

The nice young lady totaled up the bill, sans insurance, and proclaimed that it would be $250. I turned to my bride and said, “You’re a high-maintenance chick.”

She retorted, “I’m a trophy wife.”

“I didn’t win first-place.”

“Yeah. I’m one of those Special Olympics trophy wives. Every one wins a prize just for participating.”

During this brief exchange, we gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes with full knowledge of our strong love; an understanding that only comes with time, patience, and a sense of humor. The young attendant however had her jaw on the floor. It wasn’t until that jewel I married, turned and said, “We’ve been married 25 years,” did the poor, unwitting soul stifle a chuckle.

It’s good to rub off on people. It’s good to rub against people. Try to do the former as much as possible. Try to do the latter with a select few, if only one.

Advice · buzzawha · fishing · funny · guns · humor · Life · longing · relationships

From the Dept of Buzzawha?

Gun and Tackle Store.   Buzzawha?

What the hell are you fishing with?  If you need a shotgun to go fishing, you’re doing it all wrong.  Rifle fishing with a night scope?  Now that could be a sport.  I’ve even see bow-fishing on the TV.

You have to wonder what things should not be combined.  Dynamite and fishing is one except in that extreme future where 90% of the world’s population has died and you, as one of the few survivors, stumble across the abandoned dynamite factory while you’re hungry.

“Here Bubba, take this 12-gauge and snag you a marlin” is just a little foreign to me.  When I went fishing it wasn’t about catching anything.  It was about getting out, talking, drinking, and connecting.  I did that once or twice.  I’m better for it.

Why did someone think “Gun and Tackle” was a good idea?  Just because you get outdoors with the two is no reason to create a store that combines them.  Yet, they work.  The next time a someone shoots a hook in your mouth, stop, drop and roll and think, “Was this a good idea?”