Save us all from my wife. My wife has always been a little different, but now it’s just getting scary.
My wife has always had certain gifts, one of which borders on the slightly psychotic or psychic. I always get the two confused. My wife has the uncanny ability to call my cell phone at three precise moments during the day.
She calls in the middle of business meetings just as I’m about to speak
Her radar tells her that I’m with some very important people and it is my turn to give the presentation that will earn that big promotion. What could calling now hurt? What better time than a crucial moment in my career is better to remind me that we need dog food?
“And this slide, ladies and gentlemen, is my revolutionary cost-saving proposal. It is guaranteed to reduce over-head by 12% while increasing revenue”…buzz…buzz…buzz. (I had the good sense to put the phone on vibrate.)
Naturally I have to take this call. It could be an emergency. If it’s not and I don’t answer, rest assured that by 6pm, it will have become an emergency that won’t let me get to sleep before 3am.
“Yes, dear? Uh huh. Uh huh. I’m in a meeting. Uh huh. Yes, your niece is the cutest thing since toast. Uh huh. I really have to go. Uh huh. No I really have to go! Uh huh. The dog did what? Uh huh. In the living room floor? Uh huh. Looks just like the Virgin Mary? Uh huh. Please dear, my boss needs to fire me now. Yes, I really have to go. Uh huh. Uh huh. No, I can’t stop and pick that up on the way home. Because we don’t have any money now that I lost my job. Uh huh. Uh huh.”
At a specific intersection, 2 miles from our house
“When are you going to be home?”
“In about 2 minutes, just like yesterday when you called at 5:20.”
“Could you pick up some dinner?”
“Well, no. Just like yesterday, I’ve already passed 400 restaurants and there isn’t another one between here and home.”
“Even if it’s just McDonalds?”
“I guess I could U-turn over the median and get a ticket so you could have a Big Mac. Would that do?”
“OK. Just come home. You can fix dinner then.”
“Thanks. I’m actually in the driveway right now. Can I hang up or do we need to continue this conversation via technology?”
“Did you check the mail?”
“For God’s sake woman, open the front door and look outside. You’ll see me checking the mail in person. Better yet, go look at the satellite view on Google maps, zoom in close and see if I’m waving.”
“You can do that on Google?”
“I’m hanging up now.”
If there is a God, there will be a deadly snake in the mail box put there by some pissed off neighbor. Please Jesus, give me sweet release.
On the toilet
This I just refuse to do. I don’t care who is calling. They have to wait for a call back. I’m not going to be the stall-talker guy. I’m not discussing anything with anyone while on the john. Crap time is my own special alone time and I’d like to keep it that way.