astrology · humor · stupid

Astounding New Report Replaces Astrology

A new study released Monday by the Department of Health and Human Services indicates a relationship between a person’s social security number and their personality. The 3 year study shows an astonishing correlation between the last two digits of an individual’s SSN and their disposition to life, goals, love interests and fiscal earning potential.

The study was funded at $515 million over the last 3 years, involved over 5,000 participants, and has yield indisputable proof of the connection between personality and SSN. Here, translated in best layman terms are the study’s findings.

  • The first 7 digits of the social security number have no relationship to anything what so ever.
  • The last 2 digits are significant indicators of personality traits.
  • The last digit or “ones column” of the SSN indicates general interests and dispositions.
  • The second digit or “tens column” indicates higher brain functions and determines long-term goals and potential.

Here is illustration B-4 from page 207 of the report that lays out the proven results.

The last digit
0 = lethargy, sluggishness, laziness
1 = over-achievement, drive, goal-oriented
2 = self-loathing, low self-esteem
3 = friendly, outgoing, likable
4 = close-minded, crotchety, grumpy
5 = self-assured, driven, firm
6 = lusty, sex-driven, selfish
7 = spiritual, philosophical, addictive
8 = practical, mathematical, straight-forward
9 = giving, selfless, self-sacrificing.

The tens column (goals indicator)
0 = fiscal
1 = spiritual
2 = practical
3 = fanciful
4 = none, drifter
5 = peaceful
6 = sexual
7 = pioneer
8 = physical
9 = material

As we see from the personality matrix, partially reproduced here from the report’s illustration on page 233 (platte C-1), the varying combinations reflect a person’s long-term goals and general personality. The statistical variance was proven to be less than 0.22%. A negligible figure and further proof that the study’s accuracy is irrefutable.

tens v
0 1 2
0 fiscal and sluggish
e.g. very slow to reach retirement
fiscal and goal-driven
e.g. most millionaires
fiscal and low self-esteem
e.g. I can’t believe they pay me for this!
1 spiritual and lethargic
e.g. a reluctant prophet
spiritual and driven
e.g. Pentecostal preacher
spiritual and self-loathing
e.g. You hate yourself and religion
2 practical and lazy
e.g. Owns the top-of-the-line recliner
practical and goal-driven
e.g. carpenters and contractors
practical and low self-esteem
e.g. successful suicides

For example, a social security number ending in “00” indicates someone who aspires to financial goals but lacks the drive and ambition to pursue them. The study correlates this with the fact that 48% of all lottery tickets are bought by people with SSNs ending in double zeros.

Further correlations are evident in the fact that individuals with an SSN ending in “66” are poor lovers. Their goals of sexuality combine with their selfishness, making them unconcerned with their partner’s needs. Conversely, the best lovers are “69” lovers. Their sexual goals combined with their giving nature, creates a selfless lover willing to give and receive love.

74s while they tend to be pioneers, have trouble making any real break-troughs due to their inability to be open minded. They tend to be frustrated inventors. People such as Albert Einstein who was a 78 tend to further the fields of science and math.

Personal observations by the reporter:
I was skeptical of this report and decided to put it to a personal test. Starting with myself a 03. This describes me perfectly: I love money. Can’t get enough. I’m “friendly, outgoing, and likable.” That’s one that is dead on.

There is a guy at work who hasn’t had a promotion in twelve years. I needled out of him the fact that his SSN ends in 44. He has no goals in life and is a crotchety bastard. The chart is right again! No wonder he’s stuck in a rut.

I have a daughter who is a 28. She is practical and mathematical. The results are starting to astound me.

Now that I’ve seen the numbers (no pun intended) and done a little practical application of this astounding new report. I can’t believe that this has gone undiscovered for so long. I guess it’s because most government employees have SSNs ending in 82 (verifiable through the Office of Personnel Management). They are physically motivated, self-loathing creatures with low self-esteem. In other words, they hate their job and their self and are only motivated to get home by 3:30 and get in their recliner.

The backlash from this report remains to be seen, but I for one am convinced. I’ve taken my psychic advisor off speed dial and thrown away my Tarot cards. Now I see the stars for what they are, wonderful physical phenomena and not the creators of my destiny. That role has been filled by the Social Security Administration.


18 thoughts on “Astounding New Report Replaces Astrology

  1. I don’t quite understand how this “replaces” astrology. The study only reinforces the meaning of my sagittarius ascendant. That said, it’s very accurate.

  2. I’m in the wrong business! I should be devoting my life to the Bible Code! Anybody have a copy of Hebrew for Dummies?

  3. LOL well I totally disagree with this. I know I am not a self-loathing, low self esteem Pioneer. :( hope this isn’t a bad thing. will likely get in trouble for saying all this.


  4. um, last 2 digits – 42 – so, I’m a self loathing individual with no goals? Hmmm, thanks DHHR, never liked you much anyway. Now I’m going to take my sorry ol’ self and sit back on the couch and watch some tube.

  5. Why thank you for that enlightening non-sequitur, Howie. The opening paragraph from your blog doesn’t really address anything here, but thanks for stopping by. The kool-aid is on the table in the back.

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