Share your twisted sense of the world at AmishOnLine.

Explore my twisted sense of the world. Enjoy!

How to Kill Weeds, Flowers and Your Lawn
Lawn maintenance is harder than it looks. Here are 5 easy steps to ensure you kill every green thing in your yard. It’s easy, fast, and effective. Just follow me into the dust bowl that is my lawn.

Madonna to Remake Casablanca. Britney Spears to Be Thrown a Cameo Bone
Rumors are flying that Madonna plans to remake the iconic movie Casablanca. The Barefoot Celebrity Buzz and Scatological Research Group, LLC (Paparazzi Division), has the inside scoop.

Why Your Woman Left You: How to Prevent Divorce in the Modern World
Divorce is ugly. There are no winners only whiners. But how did it come to this? What can men do to please these female creatures?

Vogue Magazine Casts LeBron James and Gisele Bundchen in Remake of King Kong
Vogue’s cover has the wires humming with accusations of racism. This is why we’re all afraid of Vogue.

Fainting on the Barack Obama Campaign Trail Increasing. Miraculous Healing Wonders Now Reported.
Six cases of people fainting at Obama speeches are confirmed. What is next for the charismatic Senator from Illinois?

33 Annoying Expressions that Killed Our Conversation
If you are using these expression, please stop talking to me right now. Better still, take a vow of silence.

How to Cross a Street Without Holding Mommy’s Hand
Mapping the human brain is one step closer. New CAT scan images are unlocking the key to how the brain process spatial information. How much is in our genes and what is learned is still in question. How much high school geometry do you really know? Read more »

Jerry Falwell Dead. Richard Dawkins Exclaims, “There is a God!”
So you think there is an afterlife. Join the latest reality game show still in progress. Falwell’s passing converts atheist into agnostics. Agnostics are pushed to the fringe of belief. Read more »

Amazing New Non-lethal Self Defense Product Just Out
Reluctant to carry a gun? This new invention may be just the thing for you. A quantum leap forward in personal self defense just hit the market. This product is so simple that even a child could use it, but so powerful that even the most violent attacker will be deterred. Read more »

Hollywood Elects Al Gore King of the World
As most of the free world and a couple of isolated Eskimo tribes know, Al Gore won the “best documentary” Academy Award for his global warming warning “An Inconvenient Truth” at the 79th annual Academy Awards celebration. Why is this no surprise? Read more »

Annoying and Dangerous Driving Habits
A soon-to-be-released study explains why people are bad drivers and how dangerous they really are. Are you one? Read more »

Netflix is Scaring Me
Netflix.com is reading my mind and all the foil hats in the world can’t stop them. But the jokes on them. I’m not me. Read more »

Chinese Missile Destroys Satellite
After inventing gunpowder, you would think the Chinese could do a better job launching a missile and blowing up a satellite. World governments’ reactions vary and the literal fallout is unknown. Read more »

Cheap, Over-looked Vacation Packages
Here are four over-look vacation spots that the whole family can enjoy on a budget. Pack your bags, get the kids, and board the dog because now you too can afford to take a luxurious vacation. Get ready to discover a whole new world. Read more »

Cell Phone Use in Polite Society
There is a time and place for every thing. Talking to your dog groomer is not appropriate when holding up the line at the grocery store. Think before you flip that phone out and start a “private” conversation. Read more »

Holiday Shopping Hints or How to Serve Your Country
These are simple rules to make your shopping experience better and why everyone should be compelled to serve their country. You’ll learn so much about yourself. Read more »

Relationships: What Women Want
I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to figure out what women want. After 25 years of wedded bliss, I’ve finally discovered what women want. It’s pretty simple, but not pretty. Read more »

New Christmas Lyrics
New lyrics for the classic tunes. A great sing along. Created in the spirit of Christmas and in memory of the late Tom Cruise. >> read the rest. it’s the best >>

Katrina People
A brief conversation with a workmate got me thinking, laughing, and worrying about the ongoing human impact of Hurricane Katrina. Read more »

Sick and Tired of the Black Dahlia?
Why does every movie, book, and tube sock get a MySpace page? The limit is reached and the top is blown. Enter here for venting steam. Read more »

Gas Prices Drop. Bush Approval Rating Rises
Gas prices have dropped 21% in the last 10 days while President Bush’s approval rating climbed 12 points to 42%. Is the Administration manipulating gas prices in an effort to manipulate the mid-term elections? Read more »

Million Dollar Inventions
My brain keeps spitting these inventions out, but I’m no inventor/engineer/financier. When you develop one of these and make your first million, please remember the staving author. Read more »

Driving Assumptions
I don’t know when it happened, but somehow I’ve become the traffic concierge in my town. I guess it is because I look like a local. People make so many baseless assumptions and they make them in an instant, with one glance, at a traffic light. Read more »

This Just In…Generalissimo Fidel Castro is Still Alive
I miss the good old, cold-war days. Remember when Soviet leaders would have a cold for a week, catch pneumonia for a month, go on retreat to recover, and be reported deceased? All the while they were already dead. Read more »

Driver’s Education 201
Finally driven to distraction, the author has compiled some driving tips to help you stay safe and keep your name from being combined with derogatory adjectives by other drivers Read more »

Marketing a New Product & Growing Your Business
It doesn’t matter if you have a business plan. It really doesn’t matter if you even have a product; in fact it helps. Read how to successfully create a product, launch a business and market your way to success. Read more »

The Real Reason for Tightened Airline Security
The TSA has tightened security at all U.S. airports. Liquids and gels are no longer allowed in carry-on luggage. They reason for all of this of course is terrorism, but why are we terrified and what are they hiding? Read more »