Welcome to the Web. Know Your Enemy.

The web’s greatest enemies are word processing programs. They do violent and unpredictable things to web forms. With a little knowledge you can avoid hours of heartache and destruction.

Now don’t even start with the, “but every web site on earth needs to work with Microsoft Word.” The worldwide web standards are not controlled by Microsoft. Just because you happen to use MS Word for everything is no reason for the rest of the world to conform to your limits. Arm yourself with a little knowledge and get with the program.

KISS it
“Keep is Simple Stupid,” is the best advice you can take away from this article. Use a very basic text editor to write things you plan to paste into a web form. Articles, resumes, and feedback rants are all examples.

Why are word processor so heinous?
Programs installed on your PC have access to the PC’s operating system, font definitions and formatting options. They also use proprietary codes to work their magic. Web servers do not have these nifty attributes. They expect you to provide plain text. When your text contains codes the web form can’t decipher, horrible, nasty things happen.

If you have dodged the bullet until now, chances are you were just keeping it simple when typing in Word. Trust me it will bite you eventually.

A little HTML goes a long way
The web runs on HTML. Just learning a little bit can be a life-saver. There is absolutely no reason to not learn the basics. Having a “mental block” is not an excuse. HTML is too easy. You need only know a hand-full of tricks to simplify your life.

1. Hypertext Markup Language is all about putting tags around your text which make the browser do certain things. HTML tags are inclosed in less-than and greater-than signs. To mark the end of what you want the tag to do, you use less-than, slash, tag, greater-than. Seriously, it’s that simple. For example <b>make it bold</b> gives you make it bold.

2. Know the basic tags: b=bold, u=underline, i=italics. That will cover 90% of your formatting needs.

3. Hyperlinks are simple. HTML has a multi-tasking tag called the anchor. You use it to create many things, but the one you’ll need most is a hyperlink. The format is: <A HREF=”http://thebarefoot.wordpress.com”>My Blog</A>. This leaves the words “My Blog” for the reader to see, but if they click on them, their browser goes to the address. So the results are: My Blog. (Note: the tag is case-insensitive.).

Why should you listen to me?
I know. I know. Some say this is all too difficult to bother learning, but I promise it will save your text one day. Some say, “Word has worked so far,” but I promise it will get you eventually.

I happen to be the technical weenie for a site which process hundreds of résumés each day. About once a week, we get notice of someone whose résumé won’t transfer correctly. One hundred percent of these cases have been people who pasted word-processor documents directly into the web site which houses their résumé. If you’ve ever been perplexed by Associated Content not displaying your article correctly, just think how these poor people feel when the window to apply for the job is closing in a few hours and they have no résumé to send.

All you Word die-hards, I’ll be looking for you in the AC forums. It’s just a matter of time before you post in a panic.

Stupid Word of the Day: Retired

Maybe I’m over thinking things again, but where the heck did the word “retired” come from? We all know it is the golden time in life when you have enough money, you can quit working, but you’re too old to do those things you’ve been wanting to do. Still, it looks odd.

I’m in my prime-producing, work years. Does that mean I’m “tired?” Well, some days, yes, but most of the time, I feel fine. Should I be looking forward to being tired again, AKA re-tired? Sounds a bit depressing. Maybe my tread has worn thin from the road of life, and I need to be retired like an old pair of whitewalls.

All our lives we are tired and when we reach our golden years, we just get tired all over again…retired. This thought makes me want to hang myself. Can’t we come up with a better word? When I’m able to stop working, I want it to at least sound fun, even if I’m too old and decrepit to do any of the fun things I have planned.

“Golden years” is a decent euphemism, but we need one word, something short and sweet, to jazz up retirement (dang, there it is again). How about “recess?” Remember recess? What a bright spot in any grade-schooler’s day. How great would it be to turn 65 and get to have recess again, like you were eight years old.

Instead of a cruise, we could play kickball. Instead of buying an RV, we could drag out our old Tonka trucks and Matchbox cars, and play in the dirt. When I’m 65, I want to have recess. I don’t want to be retired.

Any thoughts? What word would you use to replace “retired?”

Be True to Yourself

Just to let y’all know, I practice what I preach. I had a medical check up last Wednesday and, as a result, had about 5 prescriptions to refill. I went directly to my friendly, neighborhood, Publix pharmacy. I did not pass “Go.” I did not collect $200.

Taking my own advice about messing with the pharmacy techs, I put on my best “I’m sick and dying” face and approached the counter. Handing my list of drugs to the new girl, with a slight crackly cough in my voice, I said, “I’m very sick and need all of these filled. I have drug-resistant tuberculosis.”

The pharmacist slowly leaned back to get a look at who was at the window. I waved and she said, “I just needed to see who they let out.” When I checked out, she told me I’d better be wearing a surgical mask next visit.

I love my life. I love that I have no inhibition chip in my brain when it comes to having a laugh or sharing a smile.

But on a more serious note, I witnessed a horrible event on that fateful trip to Publix. A woman was killed right before my disbelieving eyes. I wrote the grizzly details at Associated Content. It isn’t a story for the feint of heart or weak of bladder. Woman Beaten to Death in Local Supermarket, if you’re interested.

Life Lesson #122: Never buy shoes by mail.

I don’t care how attractive the offer is, the return postage cost is well worth the trip to the shoe store. Always take the time to physically try on shoes in a brick and mortar shop. Your feet will thank you. Your wallet will thank you. Your letter carrier will thank you for not having to pick up a blood-soaked box the next day. The internet is great for most things, but shoe buying isn’t one of them.

Head Down, Busy Busy, Busy, and FU IRS

I love my job. I really do. Solving puzzles is fun and that’s what I get paid to do. “I deal with the customers so the engineers don’t have to.” Wait! I’m the engineer, too. Oh, crap.

I’ve been so tied up earning a living, I haven’t had time to keep the blog up very well. April Fools Day was a blast. I really enjoyed writing and reading all the digs (Note: that’s digs not diggs. Even as a techno-geek, I find digg boring.) the blog-o-sphere created for the annual event.

Once the infernal taxes are filed, I’ll start planning next year’s joke. Taxes are a necessary suckness, made easier by guys like me. We take the tax code and turn it into a computer program in your web browser and in less than an hour, your taxes are done. Thank you computer nerds. I’d like to put us all out of a job with something like the Fair Tax. I’d end up paying more, but the stress reduction would be worth it.

If you’re curious, my effective tax rate was 9.72%, but I got a huge deduction for sending socks, Q-Tips, and lip-balm to some soldiers in Iraq. Kind of sad I had to do that, but I’m happy for the line item.

Breaking the Streak: 3 in 1 Month

I’ve been accused of only writing one Associated Content article per month. That has been true for a while, but something about Spring, the daffodils on the lawn, or just trying to delay doing my income taxes has prompted me to produce 3 whole articles this month.

At the end of 2006, I wrote Relationships: What Women Want and in addition to standing the test of time, it has one of the funniest lines I’ve ever written. Now I’ve taken those precepts and turned them on their ear with my latest lack-luster masterpiece, Why Your Woman Left You…

This report is the culmination of 25 years of research by The Barefoot Human Behavior and Scatological Research Group, LLC. I just wanted to make it clear that this is a scientific paper and not just some ass hat barking farts on the web. You can read the full report here.

Annoying Expression #34

As a addendum to my 33 Annoying Expressions that Killed Our Conversation, allow me to add #34.

Over the end-of-year holidays, I took some time off from work…all kinds of work…including shaving. By the time 2008 rolled in, I had to make a decision. I had to either shave or put a crowbar in my wallet and free $20 for a decent beard trimmer. As cheap as I am, I chose to keep my beard and opted for the trimmers. Now I am assaulted frequently with annoying expression number 34: “Hey, you’re trying to grow a beard.”

Some of my snappy comebacks are “No. It’s grown,” and “Trying? No. I’m doing a damn fine job of it” and “I have to do something with all this testosterone since your wife cut me off.” Grabbing my face like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone and screaming, “Where the hell did this come from?” hasn’t offered the impact I’d hoped.

The reason “Hey, you’re trying to grow a beard” grinds my gears is men are always growing beards. That’s the whole point of shaving every day. By shaving, we men are constantly trying not to grow beards.

Which makes me think of a new witty comeback for the next clean-shaved dunderhead who accosts me with this annoying expression. “I see you’re trying not to, putz.” I should just start walking up to people and saying that without provocation. Lord knows I can be annoying, too. My skills may go soft if I don’t practice more.

The Associated Content Two-Step

…or why this post had a question mark in the title.

Associated Content did a little back peddle today. The same “VP of Community Development” who posted the policy change about non-exclusive content no longer receiving up-front payment consideration, posted and update today which included “We will continue to evaluate content submissions for upfront payments on both an exclusive and non-exclusive basis.”

Current crisis avoided. However, hints were left in the explanation that a change is still waiting in the wings. The rush to change was blamed on ” …a serious legal issue.” I don’t have any facts or background on what this issue was, but I’m guessing it was probably complaints from other sites such as Mashable.com that triggered this.

Accusations of copyright infringement were made by some contributors to Mashable. AC founder Luke Betty responded, but the whining continued by the Mashable community ad nauseum despite AC’s assurance that better checks would be put into their system.

The real question is what changes does Associated Content have planned and how long will it take to implement them? The AC staff certainly got an eye full of forum posts on the subject. Many AC contributors had excellent alternatives to the heavy-hand “no soup for you” ruling that AC first announced. Time and tide…and stay tuned for more.

Getting handier by the minute

I’ve never been too handy with those little home repairs. My kitchen sink has been leaking for almost a year now. For two months, the sprayer has been laying in the sink to keep the water from running over the hose and into the cabinet below. That’s my solution. I’ll do anything to avoid tackling the problem. But the tide may be turning.

We’ve never had a key to the back door. It had a deadbolt that required a key from both sides and the previous owner failed to pass that along at signing. If it wasn’t closed just right, a good wind would blow it open. I figured, how hard can replacing a lock be? It’s just a couple of screws. So I picked up a new deadbolt, one with a turn-latch on the inside and key on the outside, and replaced the back door lock in just a few minutes. That got my confidence up and I decided to tackle the next job.

We have a picket fence around the backyard. It’s cute, but less than functional, if the main function is to keep the vicious hounds enclosed. My five-pound miniature Chihuahuas can step right through the pickets. They think the coolest trick in the world is to slide through the fence and make a break for the front yard, the neighbor’s yard, the street, or anyone walking down the sidewalk.

An idea to remedy this situation came to me in a flash of brilliance…lattice. I bought some two-foot-wide lattice and nailed it to the inside of the pickets along the sixteen feet of fence and gate that leads to the front. It worked perfectly and only took 30 minutes, including hand-cutting the lattice to fit each of the three sections. I thought it was an ingenious solution.

It appears I’m turning into quite the handy man. My confidence is high and next month, I plan to take on that kitchen faucet. I may even buy some decent tools.

I give the dogs a week before they figure out there is still 100 feet of unprotected picket fence still vulnerable to their evil games.

So What is Real Life Like

I’ve been asked a few times this week, possibly because of this suicidal rant, “Are you like this in real life?” I translate this question as, “Do you have no shame? Do you just say whatever pops into your head out loud? Would you say these things to someone standing in front of you?” I’ll answer this with a true-life account.

Exactly two Thanksgivings ago, the following transpired. No names have been change because I am the only guilty party.

November in Alabama isn’t known for its cold weather. This particular Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving was no exception. It was tolerable. Long sleeves were appropriate for dress. Short sleeves if you were exerting any energy. My new neighbors were expending their energies.

This young couple only knew me as the helpful guy who owned the house next to the one they purchased 2 months ago. He and I had talked, but she and I had only waved. This left her unprepared for that Wednesday when I returned from work to find her holding a ladder and him stringing Christmas lights on their virgin home.

I whipped into my driveway, slammed my car door loudly, checked my mail loudly and marched single-mindedly down the sidewalk and up their driveway to announce loudly, “Hi! I’m not only your neighbor, but I’m also with the Neighborhood Watch Committee. I MUST inform you, the rules of the neighborhood FORBID the hanging of Christmas lights before Thanksgiving. I know y’all are new, but I must INSIST you take these lights down. I’m happy to help you take this all down, if necessary.”

Her protest began immediately. “Are you serious?”

“Yes’um. The neighborhood rules are quite firm on this,” I deadpanned.

“But we’re going out of town tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with my parents. We won’t be back until Monday and we just wanted to decorate before we left.” Her husband was sliding down-ladder like a sailor onboard a ship. His motion was an involuntary, instinctual movement brought on by stifled laughter.

“Honey, I think he’s kidding,” he said trying to hang on to his hammer.

“No. This is a serious offense. We can’t let the neighborhood get out of control,” I said as he and I exchanged glances.

Her confused and questioning eyes darted between her husband and her new, obnoxious neighbor about half-a-dozen times before we men could not contain our smiles any longer.

In answer to the question, yes, I’m just like that in real life. I take every opportunity to laugh, love and enjoy life. I believe I could make chocolate out of mud, if I gave it a good effort.