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Was down in the back yesterday? Naw. No one cares about a old, broken man’s lumbago.
Buttheads in Berkeley, CA banning the Marine recruiters? Naw. You heard that on the vast-right-wing-conspiracy, radio talk-shows.
My trip to the drug store? Naw. It was funny when I convinced the young lad at the register to card the lady behind me for her cans of Chef Boyardee. That laugh got me all the way to the car and I’ll get more mileage out of it at work tomorrow when I see my victim, Jill.
No. Today I think I will blog about the first time I saw my name in print. Yep. I’m “published,” as they say. Okay, it was only my name in the liner notes of a CD, but still, I couldn’t wait to show anyone who would look. Here’s the long and sordid tale.
In March 2007, it received and advance copy of Chris Berry and the Retrofitter’s Emerald River Project. Chris had approached me for a review and, never one to pass up free music, I gladly accepted. It turn out much better than the time I agreed to review Tubesock and the Magnificent Brass Band Rejects. Chris’ album was full of bluesy tracks with Western spices dashed in for a kick. The details are all in the original review. It’s a damn fine read, if I do say so myself.
Due to the aforementioned back problems, I didn’t waddle my fat ass to the mail box yesterday. As I pulled out for work this morning, I snagged a fat hand full of fliers, coupons, bills, and one fat, bubble-pack of blues. Chris had mailed the polished copy of the Emerald River Project with a message, “Read the liner notes.” There he thanks:
His lovely wife (Total assumption on my part. She may be a complete tramp if track 8 is auto-biographical.)
Some chick in Nebraska who is president of the band’s fan club. (Probably also a total tramp. You know how groupies are.)
A brilliant, insightful writer who loves music and reviewed the pre-release back in March.
There it was. My name as third banana in the “thank-yous” of the liner notes of a CD which you may or may not find in stores, but can always order directly from the artist by emailing chrisberryandtheretrofitters@hotmail.com. That started my day out perfectly. Nothing could touch me after that. I was bullet-proof. Twelve cups of coffee and five stupid users later, I was still smiling. Damn decent fellow that Berry.
Those are good, but, aren’t even the very best tracks. So order the CD by dropping an email to chrisberryandtheretrofitters@hotmail.com. I get no cut of the profits. In fact, all proceeds go to…um…saving babies…er…baby seals…yeah, that’s the ticket. Urban legends have it, every time you don’t buy a CD, a baby seal is clubbed to death. I don’t know if that’s true, but I have my copy and my conscience is clear.
I’ve been itching to start a place where comedy lives. A place where writers and comedians can share their experiences with the art and science of humor. I took the big plunge and started a social-disease-networking site at Ning, ironically named AmishOnLine.
If you’re an established or budding humorist, satirist, comedian, cartoonist, or just slightly off-kilter, I encourage you to join. We’ll laugh, maybe at you or just near you, I don’t know which. It’s hard to tell who is pointing and giggling online.
Just follow the link and tell us a little about yourself. It’s brand-freaking new, so there’s not much there, but the upside is, as an inaugural member, you can help shape the site. Brothers and Sisters, I urge you to join the modern movement that is AmishOnLine.
I’ve been asked a few times this week, possibly because of this suicidal rant, “Are you like this in real life?” I translate this question as, “Do you have no shame? Do you just say whatever pops into your head out loud? Would you say these things to someone standing in front of you?” I’ll answer this with a true-life account.
Exactly two Thanksgivings ago, the following transpired. No names have been change because I am the only guilty party.
November in Alabama isn’t known for its cold weather. This particular Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving was no exception. It was tolerable. Long sleeves were appropriate for dress. Short sleeves if you were exerting any energy. My new neighbors were expending their energies.
This young couple only knew me as the helpful guy who owned the house next to the one they purchased 2 months ago. He and I had talked, but she and I had only waved. This left her unprepared for that Wednesday when I returned from work to find her holding a ladder and him stringing Christmas lights on their virgin home.
I whipped into my driveway, slammed my car door loudly, checked my mail loudly and marched single-mindedly down the sidewalk and up their driveway to announce loudly, “Hi! I’m not only your neighbor, but I’m also with the Neighborhood Watch Committee. I MUST inform you, the rules of the neighborhood FORBID the hanging of Christmas lights before Thanksgiving. I know y’all are new, but I must INSIST you take these lights down. I’m happy to help you take this all down, if necessary.”
Her protest began immediately. “Are you serious?”
“Yes’um. The neighborhood rules are quite firm on this,” I deadpanned.
“But we’re going out of town tomorrow to spend Thanksgiving with my parents. We won’t be back until Monday and we just wanted to decorate before we left.” Her husband was sliding down-ladder like a sailor onboard a ship. His motion was an involuntary, instinctual movement brought on by stifled laughter.
“Honey, I think he’s kidding,” he said trying to hang on to his hammer.
“No. This is a serious offense. We can’t let the neighborhood get out of control,” I said as he and I exchanged glances.
Her confused and questioning eyes darted between her husband and her new, obnoxious neighbor about half-a-dozen times before we men could not contain our smiles any longer.
In answer to the question, yes, I’m just like that in real life. I take every opportunity to laugh, love and enjoy life. I believe I could make chocolate out of mud, if I gave it a good effort.
Email is the blessing and bane of daily life. Get too much and you can’t get any real work done because you are just replying to emails. Get none and you start wondering if the pink slip is the next message you will receive. When emails start to drive you mad, take your revenge creatively with these suggestions.
Fun with acronyms
Every industry or company has their own language. One of the unfortunate side effects of jargon is that common phrases turn into acronyms. Honestly, most people in the company have no idea what 99% of the acronyms represent. So make some up and put them in the signature of your emails.
I once managed a mailing list of about 300 people that used a particular computer system. Monthly or weekly communications were my responsibility and I would sign every email with “MOBTAS LOAIS” under my name. After 18 months and hundreds of emails, only one lady ever asked me what the acronym meant. Everyone else either ignored it, thought it was some project code, or was too proud to admit they didn’t know. The lady that finally called me on it had a good laugh when I told her it stood for “Master of Both Time and Space. Lord of all I Survey.”
Be creative, but not crude with your acronyms. A wonderful alternative to this is to remove all vowels from your emails completely. Oddly, they remain readable.
Fun with Languages
Use a free on-line translation service like BabelFish or FreeTranslation to translate your text into a foreign language. I like to use Dutch or Norwegian. Don’t use Spanish or French since everyone learned a little of those in high school. Non-Latin alphabet languages don’t work well for this game. You might try sending one to yourself just to check the font.
When the bewildered response comes, translate your reply again. When you finally get the inevitable phone call from the befuddle recipient, insist that you are sending plain English and the problem must be on their end. Tell them to check their software settings. Recommend they uninstall and reinstall their software or operating system. Be adamant that they must have some strange font installed on their computer. When they say, “But it only happens to your emails,” tell them it must be a virus that soon will spread to other emails. Convince them to unplug from the network until help arrives.
Fun with Sound
Record yourself reading the email text and attach the sound file to the email. This is actually a really helpful tip if the recipient is blind, but it’s fun for the sighted, too. Where does the really fun part come in? Record something other than the email text and attach it.
Imagine an email with very dry, technical, run-of-the-mill facts in the text with a recording of Robert Frost’s “Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening” attached. You might even attach a paranoid, lunatic rant, including Biblical prophetic citations of the end of the world, about how your dog is stealing your girlfriend and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police are tunneling under your house every morning at 3 o’clock.
It really confuses them if you sent a few recordings that match the text and then suddenly attach a recording of Hamlet’s soliloquy to your monthly report. Pairing “fourth quarter sales are up 8%” with a recording of your best falsetto Lady Macbeth’s “out, out damned spot” speech is always a boardroom winner.
Fun with Legalities
Sign all your emails with a paragraph of legal jargon in 4 point type. Make it light gray to make it even more unreadable. You can reproduce a product warning label or use a software programs “terms of use” text as the source.
I get emails every once in a while with “if you are not the intended recipient…” under the sender’s signature. If I’m not, you shouldn’t have sent it to me. Be more creative than that guy. Make your “terms of use” say
By reading this email you acknowledge from henceforth and in perpetuity to:
Wash the sender’s car on alternate odd Saturdays.
Profess to the world on every Federal holiday, the sender’s genius.
Love the sender’s dog even when he has the mange.
Refer to the sender as “Loretta” on Wednesdays
Call random recipients up four weeks in the future and ask them when they are coming over to wash your car. Threaten them with breach of contract if they don’t show up by 5PM, Greenwich Mean Time.
One word of caution if you follow through with these ideas, keep your resume up to date. I can’t be held accountable for your insanity. We all have to find our own, personal madness and make it work.
Having just come off my Columbus Day blockbuster (and by blockbuster I mean AC paid me a couple of bucks for it), I got to looking at some of my older articles with holiday themes for the up-coming season. Here’s what I found, dusted off, and present for your strong disapproval.
Top Ten Gift Ideas for Zombies >> This could work for Halloween or as a guide for Christmas shopping.You know they are coming back…for the holidays. You don’t want to donate your brain, so buy them this!
Anti-Psychic for Hire >> A fun Halloween romp. Learn my dirty secret and how I started a lucrative business. Are you haunted by ghosts? Does unexplainable fear run your life? Are supernatural powers out to get you? Hire the Anti-Psychic today and reclaim your life if not your sofa.
A Handy Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving >> Thanksgiving can be exhausting, but these tips will get you through the day, especially if family is coming. Memories, food, and fuzzy memories await.
New Christmas Songs >> Tired of singing the same old Christmas carols? I’ve rewritten some of the old standbys with new lyrics in the spirit of Christmas, joy, love and in memory of Tom Cruise (inarguably the worst actor ever and a man who supplies endless fodder for ridicule).
Holiday Shopping Hints or How to Serve Your Country >> These are simple rules to make your holiday shopping experience better. Learn why everyone should be compelled to serve their country either in the military, the Peace Core, or behind the retail counter at least once in their life. You’ll learn so much about yourself.
And just for some non-comic relief:
When Veteran’s Day is Personal >> Soldiers are a breed apart. We would not enjoy our freedoms without their sacrifices. One day of remembrance each year is not enough. I remember my soldier 365 days a year. Here is why. Nothing humorous to read here. But since Veteran’s Day is also coming up, I thought it proper to include my very personal ode to Dad.
I laughed myself silly at this. Not far to go, I know.
Ventriloquist aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but this twist had me crying with laughter. Paul Zerdin brings a volunteer on stage, outfits him with a remote-controlled mouth and has his way with the subject. The outstanding part is how well this guy plays along. He does a great job anticipating Zerdin’s quips. The “dummy” in this routine deserves a contract of his own. Notice the “sexy” wave. Then notice the dance moves that don’t happen.
Sorry about the sound quality. You have to turn up the volume and the laughter gets loud, but you’ll be laughing along with it, so enjoy.
Become the Scourge of the Neighborhood in 3 Seasons
I tried turning on the flood lights at 9pm and working under their soft glow. Someone once told me “Gardening at night is never work.” My neighbor told me, “If you do that again, I’m calling the cops.” Don’t worry. He’ll find a pine cone in his yappy dogs butt next weekend. >>read the rest. it’s the best >>
Save us all from my wife. My wife has always been a little different, but now it’s just getting scary.
My wife has always had certain gifts, one of which borders on the slightly psychotic or psychic. I always get the two confused. My wife has the uncanny ability to call my cell phone at three precise moments during the day.
She calls in the middle of business meetings just as I’m about to speak
Her radar tells her that I’m with some very important people and it is my turn to give the presentation that will earn that big promotion. What could calling now hurt? What better time than a crucial moment in my career is better to remind me that we need dog food?
“And this slide, ladies and gentlemen, is my revolutionary cost-saving proposal. It is guaranteed to reduce over-head by 12% while increasing revenue”…buzz…buzz…buzz. (I had the good sense to put the phone on vibrate.)
Naturally I have to take this call. It could be an emergency. If it’s not and I don’t answer, rest assured that by 6pm, it will have become an emergency that won’t let me get to sleep before 3am.
“Yes, dear? Uh huh. Uh huh. I’m in a meeting. Uh huh. Yes, your niece is the cutest thing since toast. Uh huh. I really have to go. Uh huh. No I really have to go! Uh huh. The dog did what? Uh huh. In the living room floor? Uh huh. Looks just like the Virgin Mary? Uh huh. Please dear, my boss needs to fire me now. Yes, I really have to go. Uh huh. Uh huh. No, I can’t stop and pick that up on the way home. Because we don’t have any money now that I lost my job. Uh huh. Uh huh.”
At a specific intersection, 2 miles from our house
“Hello.”
“When are you going to be home?”
“In about 2 minutes, just like yesterday when you called at 5:20.”
“Could you pick up some dinner?”
“Well, no. Just like yesterday, I’ve already passed 400 restaurants and there isn’t another one between here and home.”
“Even if it’s just McDonalds?”
“I guess I could U-turn over the median and get a ticket so you could have a Big Mac. Would that do?”
“OK. Just come home. You can fix dinner then.”
“Thanks. I’m actually in the driveway right now. Can I hang up or do we need to continue this conversation via technology?”
“Did you check the mail?”
“For God’s sake woman, open the front door and look outside. You’ll see me checking the mail in person. Better yet, go look at the satellite view on Google maps, zoom in close and see if I’m waving.”
“You can do that on Google?”
“I’m hanging up now.”
If there is a God, there will be a deadly snake in the mail box put there by some pissed off neighbor. Please Jesus, give me sweet release.
On the toilet
This I just refuse to do. I don’t care who is calling. They have to wait for a call back. I’m not going to be the stall-talker guy. I’m not discussing anything with anyone while on the john. Crap time is my own special alone time and I’d like to keep it that way.
After inventing gunpowder, you would think the Chinese could do a better job launching a missile and blowing up a satellite. World governments’ reactions vary and the literal fallout is unknown. Last week, China destroyed a satellite with an earth-launched missile. U.S. government officials have confirmed the test that promises to undermine the sneakers-for-dollars relationship that has been so carefully cultivated between East and West.Read the rest. It’s the best »
