Stupid Word of the Day: Retired

Maybe I’m over thinking things again, but where the heck did the word “retired” come from? We all know it is the golden time in life when you have enough money, you can quit working, but you’re too old to do those things you’ve been wanting to do. Still, it looks odd.

I’m in my prime-producing, work years. Does that mean I’m “tired?” Well, some days, yes, but most of the time, I feel fine. Should I be looking forward to being tired again, AKA re-tired? Sounds a bit depressing. Maybe my tread has worn thin from the road of life, and I need to be retired like an old pair of whitewalls.

All our lives we are tired and when we reach our golden years, we just get tired all over again…retired. This thought makes me want to hang myself. Can’t we come up with a better word? When I’m able to stop working, I want it to at least sound fun, even if I’m too old and decrepit to do any of the fun things I have planned.

“Golden years” is a decent euphemism, but we need one word, something short and sweet, to jazz up retirement (dang, there it is again). How about “recess?” Remember recess? What a bright spot in any grade-schooler’s day. How great would it be to turn 65 and get to have recess again, like you were eight years old.

Instead of a cruise, we could play kickball. Instead of buying an RV, we could drag out our old Tonka trucks and Matchbox cars, and play in the dirt. When I’m 65, I want to have recess. I don’t want to be retired.

Any thoughts? What word would you use to replace “retired?”

Be True to Yourself

Just to let y’all know, I practice what I preach. I had a medical check up last Wednesday and, as a result, had about 5 prescriptions to refill. I went directly to my friendly, neighborhood, Publix pharmacy. I did not pass “Go.” I did not collect $200.

Taking my own advice about messing with the pharmacy techs, I put on my best “I’m sick and dying” face and approached the counter. Handing my list of drugs to the new girl, with a slight crackly cough in my voice, I said, “I’m very sick and need all of these filled. I have drug-resistant tuberculosis.”

The pharmacist slowly leaned back to get a look at who was at the window. I waved and she said, “I just needed to see who they let out.” When I checked out, she told me I’d better be wearing a surgical mask next visit.

I love my life. I love that I have no inhibition chip in my brain when it comes to having a laugh or sharing a smile.

But on a more serious note, I witnessed a horrible event on that fateful trip to Publix. A woman was killed right before my disbelieving eyes. I wrote the grizzly details at Associated Content. It isn’t a story for the feint of heart or weak of bladder. Woman Beaten to Death in Local Supermarket, if you’re interested.

Madonna to Remake Casablanca, The Inside Scoop

The Barefoot Celebrity Buzz and Scatological Research Group, LLC (Paparazzi Division) is your one-stop shop for all things mundane in Hollywood. This week we’ve uncovered a plot to remake the classic 1942 film Casablanca.

It seems Madonna, against all good advice, got the idea and the urge to act again. This time she wants to remake Casablanca in a new setting. Rumors are flying, but TBCB&SRG(PD) has the real scoop. How is being courted on the casting couch? What will the new script contain? You can only read it here in our exclusive, insider’s story. >>

(c) Pam Gaulin (used with permission)

Vogue Magazine Casts LeBron James and Gisele Bundchen in Remake of King Kong

Vogue magazine lit a nice fire with the latest cover. I don’t have a subscription, but the new “Shape Issue” caught my eye. They expound on all sorts of shapes, but mine. My doctor keeps telling me I’m out of shape. I keep reminding her that round is a shape.

Let’s try to look beyond the racial divide that still exists the world over and take something away from this furor that can be applied to life. In general, life teaches us these things.

Prejudice is human nature. Yeah, I said it. Want to fight about it? You’re prejudice. I’m prejudice. We’re all prejudice in a different way. My prejudice is just against stupidity. If you want to read my angry rant about prejudice, well screw you! I don’t like you. You smell funny and I hate you so don’t read it.

Beauty. Today’s Demotivational Thought

This lovely phrase didn’t make the final cut for 33 Annoying Expression that Killed our Conversation, but it’s one very close to “There’s no accounting for taste,” to which I did pay homage. An interesting fact is the human brain is hard-wired for beauty. Studies show that, above all else, humans love symmetry.

One experiment had people rate attractiveness based on photos of faces. The one consistent factor of the pictures rated as beautiful was they had nearly symmetrical features. Makes you re-think the old, “There’s someone for everyone,” fallacy, doesn’t it?

Teaching at the College Level

I’ve always want to teach college. I could just never figure out why. Was it to shape young minds? Turns out, it was really to mine young shapes. Now I have a reason to go get that advanced degree. Look out college. Here I come.

Barack Obama is Leaving the Democratic Party

I think I’m the first one to break this story. I’ve been following recent developments in the Obama campaign and have discovered that Barack Obama is forming his own political party. I’ve detailed the events that lead up to this in my latest Associated Content article,
Fainting on the Barack Obama Campaign Trail Increasing. Miraculous Healing Wonders Now Reported. What a scoop!

Amish OnLine Launches

AmishOnLine.ning.com

I’ve been itching to start a place where comedy lives. A place where writers and comedians can share their experiences with the art and science of humor. I took the big plunge and started a social-disease-networking site at Ning, ironically named AmishOnLine.

If you’re an established or budding humorist, satirist, comedian, cartoonist, or just slightly off-kilter, I encourage you to join. We’ll laugh, maybe at you or just near you, I don’t know which.  It’s hard to tell who is pointing and giggling online.

Just follow the link and tell us a little about yourself. It’s brand-freaking new, so there’s not much there, but the upside is, as an inaugural member, you can help shape the site.  Brothers and Sisters, I urge you to join the modern movement that is AmishOnLine.

Annoying Expression #34

As a addendum to my 33 Annoying Expressions that Killed Our Conversation, allow me to add #34.

Over the end-of-year holidays, I took some time off from work…all kinds of work…including shaving. By the time 2008 rolled in, I had to make a decision. I had to either shave or put a crowbar in my wallet and free $20 for a decent beard trimmer. As cheap as I am, I chose to keep my beard and opted for the trimmers. Now I am assaulted frequently with annoying expression number 34: “Hey, you’re trying to grow a beard.”

Some of my snappy comebacks are “No. It’s grown,” and “Trying? No. I’m doing a damn fine job of it” and “I have to do something with all this testosterone since your wife cut me off.” Grabbing my face like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone and screaming, “Where the hell did this come from?” hasn’t offered the impact I’d hoped.

The reason “Hey, you’re trying to grow a beard” grinds my gears is men are always growing beards. That’s the whole point of shaving every day. By shaving, we men are constantly trying not to grow beards.

Which makes me think of a new witty comeback for the next clean-shaved dunderhead who accosts me with this annoying expression. “I see you’re trying not to, putz.” I should just start walking up to people and saying that without provocation. Lord knows I can be annoying, too. My skills may go soft if I don’t practice more.

33 Annoying Expressions that Killed Our Conversation

Do the expressions we use really make sense? Some expressions, when taken to their logical conclusion, don’t mean what we intend. Some are just flat-out wrong and people continue to use them…wrongly. Other expressions are simply annoying. Maybe I’m over thinking some of these, but hearing these clichés is like having a cheese grater scraped over my ears. We all have peeves and these are some of mine.

Here are a couple of excerpts. If you like these, you’ll love the rest:

Better late than never.
That really depends on what it is. I doubt you would say this to the paramedics if they showed up 4 hours after you called 911. I bet your boss never says this either. Bosses tend to want things now or a least on time.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.
If we didn’t, life would be much more complicated than it is. We make snap judgments and quick decision based on the superficial everyday. If we didn’t have our prejudices, simple things like ordering dinner in a restaurant would take hours while we weighed every entrée’s attributes and compared the balance of herbs in each dish. Looking at the dessert menu would drive us insane. You know you love chocolate, so you can quickly order the double-fudge brownie á la mode and not worry about the other desserts or your cholesterol, apparently.

Self Help Book.
Unless you wrote the book, it’s just regular help. If you are not the author, you are getting help from someone else; therefore you are not helping yourself. I really hate this section of the bookstore, too. Every new-age whack job with a theory about an Oedipus complex or eating disorders has a 150-page tree killer about how crystals can make your poop smell like roses while good writers starve.

Read 30 more annoying expressions. Come be incensed, indignant and annoyed with everyone else. Let me know what your pet peeve phrase is. >>