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Just to let y’all know, I practice what I preach. I had a medical check up last Wednesday and, as a result, had about 5 prescriptions to refill. I went directly to my friendly, neighborhood, Publix pharmacy. I did not pass “Go.” I did not collect $200.
Taking my own advice about messing with the pharmacy techs, I put on my best “I’m sick and dying” face and approached the counter. Handing my list of drugs to the new girl, with a slight crackly cough in my voice, I said, “I’m very sick and need all of these filled. I have drug-resistant tuberculosis.”
The pharmacist slowly leaned back to get a look at who was at the window. I waved and she said, “I just needed to see who they let out.” When I checked out, she told me I’d better be wearing a surgical mask next visit.
I love my life. I love that I have no inhibition chip in my brain when it comes to having a laugh or sharing a smile.
But on a more serious note, I witnessed a horrible event on that fateful trip to Publix. A woman was killed right before my disbelieving eyes. I wrote the grizzly details at Associated Content. It isn’t a story for the feint of heart or weak of bladder. Woman Beaten to Death in Local Supermarket, if you’re interested.
The Barefoot Celebrity Buzz and Scatological Research Group, LLC (Paparazzi Division) is your one-stop shop for all things mundane in Hollywood. This week we’ve uncovered a plot to remake the classic 1942 film Casablanca.
It seems Madonna, against all good advice, got the idea and the urge to act again. This time she wants to remake Casablanca in a new setting. Rumors are flying, but TBCB&SRG(PD) has the real scoop. How is being courted on the casting couch? What will the new script contain? You can only read it here in our exclusive, insider’s story. >>
I’ve been accused of only writing one Associated Content article per month. That has been true for a while, but something about Spring, the daffodils on the lawn, or just trying to delay doing my income taxes has prompted me to produce 3 whole articles this month.
At the end of 2006, I wrote Relationships: What Women Want and in addition to standing the test of time, it has one of the funniest lines I’ve ever written. Now I’ve taken those precepts and turned them on their ear with my latest lack-luster masterpiece, Why Your Woman Left You…
This report is the culmination of 25 years of research by The Barefoot Human Behavior and Scatological Research Group, LLC. I just wanted to make it clear that this is a scientific paper and not just some ass hat barking farts on the web. You can read the full report here.
Vogue magazine lit a nice fire with the latest cover. I don’t have a subscription, but the new “Shape Issue” caught my eye. They expound on all sorts of shapes, but mine. My doctor keeps telling me I’m out of shape. I keep reminding her that round is a shape.
Let’s try to look beyond the racial divide that still exists the world over and take something away from this furor that can be applied to life. In general, life teaches us these things.
Prejudice is human nature. Yeah, I said it. Want to fight about it? You’re prejudice. I’m prejudice. We’re all prejudice in a different way. My prejudice is just against stupidity. If you want to read my angry rant about prejudice, well screw you! I don’t like you. You smell funny and I hate you so don’t read it.
Huntsville police arrived at a robbery scene early Friday to arrest a suspect but ended up arresting the victim and a witness, too. >> Read Full Story >>
Around 6:40AM on March 15, 2008, 43-year-old Walter McLin flagged down a patrol car and told the cops he had been robbed at gun point. After speaking to a witness, the police arrested 31-year-old Stepheon White at a near-by motel and charged him with first-degree robbery.
Upon further questioning, McLin was charged second-degree theft for the $900 forged check in his possession. Police then became suspicious of the witness’ identity and charged him with filing a false statement because he lied about his name. It turned out the witness had good reason to lie because he had multiple, outstanding warrants.
All three men are currently enjoying the hospitality of the Madison County metro jail.
This story only supports the old adage, “There is no honor among thieves.” It also highlights the fact that if you are going to be a criminal, try not to hang out with other criminals. One thief may be stupid, but the power of stupidity rises exponentially with each additional criminal brain.
This lovely phrase didn’t make the final cut for 33 Annoying Expression that Killed our Conversation, but it’s one very close to “There’s no accounting for taste,” to which I did pay homage. An interesting fact is the human brain is hard-wired for beauty. Studies show that, above all else, humans love symmetry.
One experiment had people rate attractiveness based on photos of faces. The one consistent factor of the pictures rated as beautiful was they had nearly symmetrical features. Makes you re-think the old, “There’s someone for everyone,” fallacy, doesn’t it?
I’ve always want to teach college. I could just never figure out why. Was it to shape young minds? Turns out, it was really to mine young shapes. Now I have a reason to go get that advanced degree. Look out college. Here I come.
Now I know there is something out there for everyone. I also discovered that some people should just be shot.
I had to do a double-take in the beer aisle at my local Publix when I saw Budweiser & Clamato. Apparently, this is called Chelada and is popular among the Latino community. Maybe it’s only popular with a sub-set of insane Latinos who had their taste buds burned off by one-too-many habaneros.
For those out of the loop, Clamato is basically V-8 (tomato juice) and clam juice. Yes, a nastier concoction could never have been created until now. Some genius had the idea to mix it with beer. I’m assuming he was drunk at the time.
This mixture ruins the Clamato, which you really can’t do, and destroys the beer. You nasty people out there who are mixing weird crap together on a bet need professional help. Just stop it. Every time I have to go down that aisle at the grocery store, I have to gag a little. Thanks for taking one more joyous moment of my life away.
