A Perfectly Lovely Day, Ruined by Starbuck’s Via

During my Saturday errands, I had the opportunity to stop in my local Starbuck’s coffee shop. Stop in, mind you, not drive through. My visit coincided with Starbuck’s launch of their new instant coffee, Via^®. I bypassed the taste test table and made straight for the counter.

I placed my order for a four-shot cappuccino. When counter-girl asked if I needed a receipt, I told her, “It is unnecessary for this transaction to included paperwork.” (I’m a big fan of Foamy the Squirrel). True to her training which I’m sure consisted of a 30-minute video complete with a speech from a Starbuck’s VP, counter-girl asked if I had taken the Via^® taste challenge. I politely told her that I have never found an instant coffee that tastes good. Her corporate-programmed response was, “Everyone says they can’t taste the difference.”

I’m not a coffee snob. I can’t tell a Kenyan from a Colombian, except I know one of them is in the White House. I even drink the weak, cheep Maxwell House^TM filter-pack brewed stuff provided at work. I only bought a bean grinder this, my 45th year, on the planet. My primary prerequisite for coffee is dark, strong, and hot. If there is sugar nearby, so much the better. That’s the extent of my coffee expertise, but I have never had instant coffee that tastes anything close to coffee.

I reiterated this fact to counter-girl, but the training video was stronger than the brewing espresso. She suggested that while I wait, I take the taste test. And since Starbuck’s grinds their beans under the cloven hoof of Beelzebub while you wait, I had a few minutes to kill.

Taste-test girl asked me if I’d like to take the test hot or cold. I told her, “Hot, but I’ve never tasted instant coffee that was any good.”

She replied, “Oh, everyone says they can’t taste the difference.” Now where have I heard that before?

She poured a paper shot-glass of a dark, black liquid. It was good…nectar of the god’s good. She poured another shot-glass from a different carafe and handed it to me. Being the expressive person I am, my face contorted and my body spasmed with the first sip. I was overtaken by the spirit of Shakespeare, clutched my throat, and cried, “I am poison-ed!”

Truly crestfallen, taste-test girl’s now long face asked, “You can taste the difference?”

“Dear God, yes! Number one was rich, delicious coffee. B was some sort of powdered gym sock extract suspended in hot water.”

I believe the looks I got from the Starbuck’s corporate drones were the official “banished to the drive-thru” stare. I was issued an ankle bracelet that automatically locks the doors of any Starbuck’s thus prohibiting my entry into any of their fine world-wide establishments.

If you find yourself in possession of Starbuck’s Via^® instant vileness, dispose of it as you would nuclear waste. You mustn’t let even one granule of this chromosome-damaging powder escape into the eco-system. And if you find yourself locked out of Starbuck’s, simply ask me to back away 50 feet.

Fully Expecting to Lose Fans Over This

It seems every time I post something on this blog, someone unsubscribes. That’s cool. Maybe I’m boring. Maybe they switched to Google Reader. But it’s starting to give me a complex. Speaking of unsubscribing …

I did something I promised I’d never do. I wrote an article about religion. I fully expected to lose subscribers over it. I knew my views about homosexuality & Christianity weren’t the most popular. I hoped that the writing, logic, and honesty would carry the message. As it turns out, everyone reads through their own experience-tainted glasses.

I caught all sorts of grief over the article. I got comments on both sides of the controversy. I enjoyed the conversation. One person (that I know of) even wrote a scathing rebuttal which accused me of prejudice against homosexuals (aka homophobia). I had some tell me what a dead-on, great article it was. Most of the latter group know me in real life so I give those comments a little extra weight than internet avatars. Either way, thanks for reading.

I was sure people would unsubscribe to my Associated Content account in droves. Before I wrote the Gay Clergy article, I had 647 subscribers. The final tally after was 653. Even the lady who wrote the rebuttal article unsubscribed and then re-subscribe. We exchange some mail where she admitted it was childish to unsubscribe because she respects the fact I can write well. That was nice to hear.

Now I’m vacillating. I enjoyed writing about religion. It got a lot of traffic and it spawned some good conversations. I just don’t know if I can mix it well with all my satire and comedy. Meh, you never know. Maybe I’ll try again. God loves laughter. Why else would he given us the platypus, the giraffe, and Brittney Spears? I guess I’ll proceed with caution for it is written, “But take heed lest by any means this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to them that are weak.” (1Cr 8:9)

Here’s the whole thing if you want it: Should We Ordain Gay Clergy? Can a Christian of Any Stripe Be Gay?

Here’s something newer for a laugh: Republican Attacks on Intended Obama School Speech Backfire in a Flurry of Congressional Action. I’d love to know what you think in light of today’s indoctrination of our school children.

Making Toast in the Bathtub

If you follow me on Facebook, you saw a post this morning that read simply, “O Lord! I think we’re going to the jewelery store. Someone save me!” The follow-on comment predictably read, “My God! What have I done?” which is a fitting quote from my favorite Talking Heads song, Once in a Lifetime. After several inquiries, I felt an expanded explanation was in order. No humans were harmed in the making of this blog post.

First a little backstory
My bride and I just celebrated our 27^th wedding anniversary. We treated ourselves to a few days retreat at The Secret B&B. We relaxed. We ate. We talked. Several of those conversations were about how my lovely bride desperately wanted a new wedding ring. She had lost her first in an unfortunate surgical accident where the ring was literally cut off. The replacement band with 13 diamonds I bought some years ago somehow shrank over the years.

During the intervening week, she and I have looked at dozens of rings on websites far and wide, but we both secretly knew she wanted something built around her mother’s old engagement diamond. She made some calls around town and discovered that our local Zales store had a master jeweler on site today. Today only!

Did I mention how desperately she wanted a new symbol of our love? Boy, she sure did.

Present Day
I found a ring on the Kay’s website that we both really liked. Though she wasn’t feeling up to it, I gave her an incentive to get going today. I told her, if she would go with me to make sure the size was right, I’d buy her the Kay’s ring today. No need to say it twice. I think there is a burn on the carpet between the bed and the bath.

We went to Zales to see what they had and/or what the on-site jeweler deal was. We knew we had Kay’s as a backup. I showed the lovely crew at Zales a few old rings and we were presented with a white gold setting. It was pretty enough, but had a broad, flat wing shape on one side which just overpowered the 1/4 carat solitaire. The jewelery designer quickly explained that it was perfect because that ledge would be cut out and as many diamonds from the old band as possible would be clustered in the newly cut channel. Well, OK. How much for the custom job? Zero? Done deal.

I guess the journeyman master jeweler was paid for. It didn’t matter if he made one ring or twelve today. He was there to do whatever was necessary. It was fascinating to watch him work. Within an hour he was done. There was my wife’s newly-minted, custom-made wedding slash anniversary ring. White gold with 13 recycled diamonds from the old band and her mother’s engagement solitaire bezel set on top.

The Surprise
While we were waiting and watching the creation of the new ring, my wife pointed out some earrings that were on sale, but I told her she would have to settle for the ring. Upon completion, there were tears and neck hugs for everyone in the store. I think a few innocent bystanders even got hugs.

As we drove out of the parking lot, I reached in my pocket and handed my wife another jewelery box and simply said, “Would you hold this while I drive?” Of course, she opened the box to find the ear rings.

The Title
So you’re wondering why this happy story is entitled “Making Toast in the Bathtub.” After 27 years, I’ve discovered that’s what marriage is. It’s more precarious than politics. It’s more dangerous than war. Love and especially marriage is a precarious balancing act filled with compromise and joy. It is like making toast in the bathtub. One false move and you’re dead. But if you’re careful, really, really careful…you get to eat a sandwich in the bath.

Or something like that.

I am officially desensitized to death

I have a new daily task. I am a carcass sweeper. Every evening, I sweep hundreds of dead brown beetle carcasses from my walkway and driveway. More accurately, I power blow them with a Black & Decker cordless pavement sweeper. (It doesn’t have quite the power to be called a leaf blower.)

“Hundreds” is no exaggeration. There are literally hundreds of these little buggers, some still squirming, littering the front of my house. As I swept away the carcasses tonight, I said aloud, “Why do they come to me to die?” Then I remember that I installed photosensitive switches on the lights at the end of the garage. They come on automatically at dusk and turn off at dawn. The blinding 25W CFL bulbs are drawing these little insect sex fiends to their nightly orgy. Spent, they die and make my morning walk to the car precarious at least, crunchy at most.

Each evening, I carelessly sweep away the carcasses as my brain slowly desensitizes to death. I guess I have a hard time concerning myself with the killing field that is my yard. After all, these beetles are getting their one night of passion which is more than I’m getting lately.

On a side note: You may have noticed my gratuitous use of the word carcass. For a noun that means “dead animal body,” it is one of the funniest words in English. Not the definition, but the sound. Repeat it ten or twenty times. It stops sounding like a word and starts making you laugh.

Carcass. Night y’all. Carcass.

Hopefully My Last Rant About Associated Content’s Forums

This will be my last blog post about how Associated Content screwed their forum boards beyond all usable functionality. When they first made the massive blunder of redesigning a perfectly good layout, I asked on of the AC employees to please consider getting rid of all the new, useless AC Connect forums. I was told their was method to the madness and the new forums were here to stay. I then asked the AC person to at least keep up with the metrics and reconsider in a month or two.

I don’t have access to the AC metrics, but I can offer a more-than-gut feeling based on watching the frequency of postings and general forum use. We can tell a lot by looking at the “Last Post” and number of threads in each forum. Here is a snapshot from around 9 A.M. MT on 7 Oct 2008.

AC Central

Forum Name	Last Post	Comments
General Discussions	10/07/2008 8:32 AM	The common denominator
Welcome to AC	10/07/2008 8:10 AM	Everyone wants to wave
C4Cs	10/07/2008 12:14 AM	It looks like it’s being used correctly
Performance Bonus	10/07/2008 8:30 AM	The newest thing here is the perennial question, “When will I get paid?” which is answered in the FAQ. I don’t have time for you not to read.
Town Hall Meetings	10/03/2008 12:55 PM	Nothing really new here.
Announcements	10/06/2008 10:15 AM	No big announcements here. Those tend to go in the General forum anyway
Award Nominations	10/06/2008 11:43 PM	The only thing new here is people nominating content for prize consideration
Feedback & Suggestions	10/07/2008 7:48 AM	The biggest complaint is still the queue lag time

 
 
Guides and Tutorials

Forum Name	Last Post	Comments
How to Promote Your Content	10/06/2008 8:15 PM	Gathering more spam.
Making Money with Associated Content	10/06/2008 3:18 PM	Lame noobie questions that have been answered 1000 times.
The Writer’s Workshop	10/07/2008 8:03 AM	This used to be growing. Now nothing is new.
A-V Lab	09/02/2008 10:07 AM	Dead and tired. Videos on AC suck.

 
 
AC Connect

Forum Name	# of Posts	Last Post	Comments
Just For Fun	1618	10/07/2008 8:38 AM	Still hopping.
Non-AC Discussions	1136	10/07/2008 8:22 AM	One of the best forums on AC
Other Online Writing Gigs	692	10/07/2008 7:55 AM	Always popular especially as more ACers look for other opportunities
Local Meetups	111	10/06/2008 9:14 AM	Lamest forum at AC
Arts & Entertainment	10	09/28/2008 5:36 PM	Dead
Parents & Teachers	2	10/07/2008 6:27 AM	One joke thread and one spam thread
Student Writers	3	09/30/2008 3:43 PM	Three threads all started by AC; combined responses, 14. Lame.
Technology	5	10/07/2008 7:43 AM	Easily a Non-AC topic
Citizen Journalism	1	09/30/2008 8:56 AM	One thread of no value
DIY & Crafts	1	09/04/2008 6:03 PM	This lonely thread was started as a joke
Health & Wellness	9	10/07/2008 6:32 AM	2 jokes, 3 AC-started threads, and a bunch of spam.
Creative Writing & Poetry	10	10/06/2008 2:40 PM	Some interest here, but AC doesn’t even pay for this type of writing
Pet Lovers	7	10/07/2008 2:09 AM	Look, I love my dogs, but this is a writing site
Sports	4	09/10/2008 8:10 AM	The joke thread here has more replies than the serious ones.
Politics	9	10/07/2008 7:50 AM	You would think that in an election year this forum would be more popular
Travel	3	09/27/2008 10:05 PM	No new posts in a week? I’m shocked…not!

 
 
It’s pretty obvious that most of the AC Connect forums are useless. The entire layout would be much more simple if these were left to the Non-AC or Just For Fun forums. Unfortunately, AC will not take an honest look at how lame these forums are. These were the brainchild of someone at AC and therefore that person has a vested interest in making them work. Politics and image win over logic and practicality.

AC can’t even use their own Announcements forum. They know that due to the difficulty using the new layout, most people use the General forum for just about everything. Even AC has resorted to posting announcements in the General forum. Again, practicality without thoughtful action. The Feedback & Suggestions forum (formally complaints/problems/bugs) remains un-manned by AC. If it weren’t for a few knowledgeable content producers, the noobie questions would remain unanswered. I, for one, don’t care to do AC’s job anymore since they can’t be bothered to listen to the community they rely on for content and forum moderation.

The redesign of the AC forums has killed any meaningful participation. Contact with an AC employee remains as elusive as the Jabberwock. The CPs who provided knowledgeable answers, have all but participating. Threads that used to gather new replies at the rate of 3 to 10 per hour have slowed to less than one per day. It used to take 60 or more replies to get a thread on the “Active Threads” sidebar. Now, because of the downturn in usage, 12 replies will get the thread listed as “Active.” That’s pretty dramatic, but will be lost on the powers-that-be.

AC simply refuses to see the evidence on the monitor. Their forums are difficult to navigate, usable information is impossible to find, and their CPs are abandoning the AC forums. If they took an honest look at the numbers, they’d see this is true. However, the head-in-the-sand philosophy of management is winning out.

I’ve found myself spending more time at a very easy-to-use writing forum that addresses AC and many other venues. Check out Accentuate Services dot com for a great source of writer’s support.

Associated Content Bug Roundup Update

Here’s an update on the previously reported bugs at Associated Content.

Submitted articles raped and pillaged by the submission template	Fixed
Are experiencing extremely long waits after offer acceptance and publishing	Somewhat Fixed
Can not leave comments on articles	Fixed
Can not use the private message system with any reliability	We’ll never know if this is ever going to be fixed
Can not rate articles	Continues for some browser/OS combinations

New bugs since the “fixes.”
Payment conformations are not working for all browser/OS combo.
Some pictures were crossed with the other fixes.
The forums were rearranged once again, but still are difficult to navigate, locate new posts, and have been declared dead by more than one user.

WaMu Guy Does Chevy. Your Random Synapse Firing of the Day.

I don’t know the actor’s name, but the guy who did all those WaMu commercials with naked bankers is now doing Chevy commercials. Who can blame him? You have to go where the money is and it obviously isn’t at WaMu any more. I guess all those free checking accounts sent them into bankruptcy.

Look out Chevy! This guy is the harbinger of doom. He killed WaMu and now he’s out for you. And while we’re on the subject, why is “Chevy as American as apple pie?” Wasn’t W.C. Durant a French dude? Sure, he hired a fellow French dude to race his cars, but when both he and Louis Chevrolet got to Ellis Island, Louis became just plain, old Chevy. Etymology was never a strong suit of mine. Forgive me.

Now that WaMu has sucked the life out of us, let us now join Chevy bumpers across America and jump start ourselves. Crap, the whole “join bumpers” thing fails when bumpers are not made of conductive metal. (Kids, in the old days, you could hook up one jumper cable between batteries, touch metal bumpers to complete the circuit, and jump-start your car. Stay in school. Anodes and cathodes may save your life some day.)

My point? The WaMu guy is going to kill us all! If you see him, phone 911 and/or terminate with extreme prejudice. As a wise presidential adviser once said, “It’s all about the stupid economy.”

AC PV Converter 2.4

If you are looking for the AC page view report converter, the one you’ll want is v2.4, hopefully located on the Accentuate web site. AC changed the report format and the converter required some minor adjustments. Remember 2.4 is the version that currently works.

Associated Content Scheduled Maintenance 14 Aug 2008

Thursday, 14 August 2008:
Publishing tools and forums will be unavailable for 30 minutes on Thursday, 14 August 2008, from 9pm to 9:30 PM Eastern time, for database maintenance.

If you are time-zone-impaired, visit TimeandDate.com’s zone converter for your local outage time.

Associated Content Starts “Best of AC” Monthly Contest

Associated Content (AC) has been kicking around ideas for new contest. Their hope is to stir up a buzz and get new and current writers to submit even more articles. They aren’t real stringent on how you submit your work for this contest. From the initial announcement, it looks like all articles can be nominated and considered regardless of other payments or non-payments.

From the official announcement:

Each month, we’ll select three different topics and keep our eyes open for Content Producers with especially strong output in each of those areas. At the end of the month (once all applicable entries have been cataloged by our Content Managers), AC’s Community team will award $100 to a single CP in each category, and feature the winners on our Community Page and in the “AC Connect” newsletter.

The inaugural August 2008 contest categories are Entertainment Reviews, Olympics 2008 Coverage, and Back-to-School Guides.

More on the selection criteria can be found in AC’s official article.

Nominations are accepted in the official forum thread (General Forum).

~~ Good luck and happy writing.