The Odd, Little Happy

Finally I dance with confidence to songs

The Ancient Hulking Man

Posted by theBarefoot on June 14, 2013


It was my wife’s flawlessly executed plan that turned me into the malodorous, shamble of a man I’ve become. She has slowly turned me into a passable, but barely socially acceptable simian. It took me years to figure out why she did this, but I share my knowledge freely with all men so you can avoid this dastardly plot that all wives are planning.

Here are the signs to look for. One day, she stopped objecting to my desire to eat onions. Next she told me the disgusting, medicated shampoo really smelled good. Then she waited for me to get sick. After several sick days without shaving, she mentioned how sexy my patchy, scruffy beard looked, so i kept it. She also suggested I try the place that gives $5 haircuts and said it was the most flattering coiffure I’d every sported. Then she brought the kids into her plot by getting them to buy the most foul-smelling, drug-store cologne for Father’s Day. She promised it smelled great on me. Then she slowly replaced my entire wardrobe with Khakis, plaid short-sleeve shirts, white socks and sandals.

Why would she turn me into this hairy, smelly, fashion disaster? Only one reason: after 30 years, she’s decided she is pretty much stuck with me, so she made me repugnant to the opposite sex. Not that I was looking or really had a chance for that matter. After 30, I’ve decided she’s the one for me, too. She did this to simplify her life. Me running off with some 24-year-old bimbo is now nothing she has to worry about. I couldn’t even get a 70-year-old bimbo to turn her head save in pity. All women know the mark.

The only positive side-effect is if I stand in one place too long, complete strangers start giving me spare change. At least I have lunch money now. So guys, watch for these signs. Don’t let your woman turn you into the devolved man like I’ve become. Now if I can figure out how my wife is slipping me the saltpeter, I’d be all set.

5 Responses to “The Ancient Hulking Man”

  1. Warm Southern Breeze said

    Hilarious! What a wonderful way to euthanize adore your wife and family!

    • Warm Southern Breeze said

      I see that editing remarks is verboten. So I have composed this lengthier message to alert you, and your audience, that the strikethrough markup code did not work it’s magic on the word “euthanize” in the previous entry. The reader will take note.

  2. I wondered why they’re giving me money.

  3. No doubt, gotta watch for them subtle female tricks like that. With my wife, either it’s (A) her attempts to make me fashionably repugnant to her peers is sorely backfiring, or (B) she actually DOES know (and knew all along) what makes me look my best. You’ll be in our prayers, dude!

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