When Sparkly Vampires Kick Your Ass

Last night, my wife breezed through the living room asking for something. I wasn’t really clear what it was. She has a tendency to start our conversations before she enters the room and finish them from the kitchen, usually all while I’m either writing, proofing (ha), or intensely playing poker. Normally, I hear, “Blah…Blah…So don’t forget to buy that.” Huh? What am I supposed to buy?

It turned out to be the September edition of National Geographic. Yeah, that’s what I thought, too. Where did that come from? But being the good and faithful husband I am, I stopped by Books-a-Million while out-and-about today and grabbed the September Nat. Geo. for her.

The woman ahead of me at the cash register was buying something from the tree-killing Twilight series, but the best part of her transaction was the gushing coming from behind the counter. This kid was way, way, way too into Twilight. Then he got all forlorn and misty when he said, “I probably won’t get to see the new movie since I’m going off to basic in October.”

As some of you know, I grew up Army. I have the greatest respect for our men and women in uniform. I wanted to give this kid some encouragement. I wanted to tell him I was proud of his sacrifice. I wanted to give him some sage wisdom to carry with him, maybe even onto some foreign shore some day. Something that might save his life. I wanted to, but this is what came out of my mouth:

“Kid, I want to give you some advice for boot camp. Keep that thing about liking the sparkly vampires under your hat. Trust me on this one. You’ll have a much better relationship with your drill sergeant if you just don’t bring it up. Just keep that to yourself, unless you want a nickname you’ll never shake.” He agreed that was probably the best course of action.

I hope that young lad starts the new phase of his life a bit wiser for meeting me. I hope one day he thinks back on a random meeting with a stranger in a book shop and thinks, “That guy really changed my life. In fact, he saved my life.”

I hope my words prevent him from letting it slip over evening chow in the mess one night, just how great he thinks Twilight is. I’ve got to tell you, once everyone in basic training knows you like sparkly vampires, you’re going to get the sparkly-vampire crap knocked out of you for the next six weeks.

And you’ll never shake the nickname, “Sparkles” or “Twilight Toes”. That crap will haunt you forever. No one ever wants to be in the thick of a fire-fight and hear, “Get Sparkles on the radio! We need fast movers!” or “Lay down some Willy Peter, Twilight Toes! We need smoke!”

So I think I did him some good. I may have save a whole platoon of men. You never know just what effect a butterfly’s wings will have.

Oh, and Nat. Geo.? Totally worth a peek this month.

Naked Eye Astronomy: What’s That Bright Thing?

So, all Summer you’ve been looking at the Southern night sky and wondering what the heck that bright thing is. OK, so maybe you haven’t. Maybe you have a life. Maybe you watch your shoes and try not to step in freshly dropped, recycled dog food. But I’m going to tell you what it is anyway.

Jupiter. King of the planets. Number 5 on the “out from the sun” list. To find it, simply look south for the brightest thing in the night sky. It will be due south around 10pm local time. Up and to the right is the bright star Altair (alpha Aquila). Further up and to the right is Vega (alpha Lyra). Remember the move Contact with Jodie Foster? Vega was where she went to meet the aliens.

The current backdrop for Jupiter is the unimpressive constellation Capricornus. If you look to the right of Capricornus, you’ll see the much more impressive constellations of Sagittarius and Scorpius. Go out around 8pm local time and this will be due south.

Sagittarius, on the left, is identifiable by it’s tea kettle shape, currently tipping out on the scorpion’s tail. Scorpius contains the impressive red star Antares. Antares means “the other Mars” (anti-Ares, get it?). Its red color is why the Greeks gave it its enduring name. You’ll need to get out soon to see Sagittarius chase Scorpius because the chase will soon be below the night horizon.

But Jupiter will be ruling the early night sky for a few more months. If you can get your hands on a small telescope get a bead on him and be awed. At least look up every once in a while. There are whole worlds up there. It might be worth taking your eyes off your shoes for a night. It might even be worth stepping in a steamer. Naw, probably not.

A Lullaby for Mr. Spanky

There are one hundred reasons I am annoying. Number 54 is, I’m an absent-minded singer. I hum. I whistle. I sing. I get a tune stuck in my head and it randomly comes out during the day. I’m sure it’s annoying, but people don’t say anything. Their silence is probably born from fear. I guess they think I’m a bit mad. If I’m uninhibited enough to just burst into song, you can’t be too sure what I might do or so the logic goes.

Distractedly singing in public can get you some funny looks, not to mention, in all sorts of trouble. Today was one of those days.

I was in a great mood and Led Zeppelin was my all-natural, rhythmic Prozac. It started innocently enough. Nobody’s Fault But Mine popped into my head on the way to work. A simple whistle escalated to full-blown, belting-’em-out-at-the-stop-light car tunes. By the time I got to work, I needed a real fix. So I slapped it up on YouTube while I read my morning email. By the second chorus, the guy who shares my office was probably fantasizing about jamming a letter-opener into my neck, but I didn’t care.

YouTube, being what it is, suggested more Led Zeppelin for my enjoyment and others annoyance. I selected Since I’ve Been Loving You from the video jukebox and prepared for my morning meeting. All prepped, I decided to grab some coffee and hit the head.

Now kids, if you’re a singer like me, what you don’t want to do is find yourself in a crowded men’s room, belly up to the bar so to speak, singing Since I’ve Been Loving You softly to yourself. It’s not a great career move to have your boss catch you with your hands full, melodically swaying to, “Lord, you know it ain’t right. Since I’ve been loving you, I’m about to lose my worried mind.” In this situation, people get all sorts of the wrong impressions about your relationship with Mr. Spanky.

Now kids, if this ever happens to you, don’t not panic. Panic leads to only one thing … quickly replacing the song with another. Panic freezes the brain and since it’s stuck on Led Zeppelin, panic makes the conspicuous transition to Whole Lotta Love, complete with guitar intro. Panic fails to obfuscate what is obvious to every suit in the vicinity. All panic can do is:

“Badantdahdandant. Badantdahdandant. You need coolin’, baby, I’m not foolin’. I’m gonna send you back to schoolin’. Way down inside honey, you need it. I’m gonna give you my love. I’m gonna give you my love.” Badantdahdandant. Shake. Badantdahdandant. Shake. Badantdahdandant. Zip. Badantdahdandant. Flush. Wash. Badantdahdandant. Hi Bob. Way, way down inside honey, you need it. I’m gonna give you my love.”

Fully Expecting to Lose Fans Over This

It seems every time I post something on this blog, someone unsubscribes. That’s cool. Maybe I’m boring. Maybe they switched to Google Reader. But it’s starting to give me a complex. Speaking of unsubscribing …

I did something I promised I’d never do. I wrote an article about religion. I fully expected to lose subscribers over it. I knew my views about homosexuality & Christianity weren’t the most popular. I hoped that the writing, logic, and honesty would carry the message. As it turns out, everyone reads through their own experience-tainted glasses.

I caught all sorts of grief over the article. I got comments on both sides of the controversy. I enjoyed the conversation. One person (that I know of) even wrote a scathing rebuttal which accused me of prejudice against homosexuals (aka homophobia). I had some tell me what a dead-on, great article it was. Most of the latter group know me in real life so I give those comments a little extra weight than internet avatars. Either way, thanks for reading.

I was sure people would unsubscribe to my Associated Content account in droves. Before I wrote the Gay Clergy article, I had 647 subscribers. The final tally after was 653. Even the lady who wrote the rebuttal article unsubscribed and then re-subscribe. We exchange some mail where she admitted it was childish to unsubscribe because she respects the fact I can write well. That was nice to hear.

Now I’m vacillating. I enjoyed writing about religion. It got a lot of traffic and it spawned some good conversations. I just don’t know if I can mix it well with all my satire and comedy. Meh, you never know. Maybe I’ll try again. God loves laughter. Why else would he given us the platypus, the giraffe, and Brittney Spears? I guess I’ll proceed with caution for it is written, “But take heed lest by any means this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to them that are weak.” (1Cr 8:9)

Here’s the whole thing if you want it: Should We Ordain Gay Clergy? Can a Christian of Any Stripe Be Gay?

Here’s something newer for a laugh: Republican Attacks on Intended Obama School Speech Backfire in a Flurry of Congressional Action. I’d love to know what you think in light of today’s indoctrination of our school children.