A Couple Things for Halloween

Hey! It’s almost Halloween so let’s dredge up the dead. Here’s something I wrote that turned out to be a decent performer. The funny thing is I wrote it as an indirect response to a call that Associated Content was doing. The stream of constant gift lists was grating on my last nerve that year so I wrote this as satire about the drones churning them out. It stands on its own as something fun to read. Top Ten Gift Ideas for Zombies. You know they are coming back…for the holidays. You don’t want to donate your brain, so buy them this! » Read the rest. It’s the best. »

Do you believe? Do you want to believe? I believe I will have a nap. All things paranormal, supernatural, or extrasensory escape me. If you are frightened unto bed wetting this All Soul’s Eve, why not hire someone who can do something about your embarrassing fears? Who ya gonna call? Certainly not Ghostbusters. Call the Anti-Psychic. That’s me. I come highly recommended by former mattress soakers across the land. Here are some testimonials.

“theBarefoot made the monster under my bed go live in my sister’s room. Then he took a nap in mommy’s bed with mommy” ~ Little Timmy, age 7, Lick Skillet, AL

“I tried every New Age trick in the book, but nothing worked. Thank the goddess theBarefoot could pencil me into his busy schedule. My home is now specter free and the only reminder I have is that huge, warm indentation in my couch.” ~ Rainbow, age 28, Spray, OR

“My ghost are gone and my pantry is empty. Now if I could only get theBarefoot’s odor out of my house.” ~ Mark, age 52, Danville, VA

“I’ve had to hang up my hockey mask. Why bother with theBarefoot around?” ~ Jason, Age 30, Camp Crystal Lake, CA

Since embarking on my new career, I’ve helped hundreds rid their homes and lives of goblins, ghosts, ghouls, and groceries. So what are you waiting for? I’m the Anti-Psychic for Hire. Are you haunted by ghosts? Does unexplainable fear run your life? Are supernatural powers out to get you? Hire the Anti-Psychic today and reclaim your life if not your sofa. » Read the rest. It’s the best. »

P.S. For y’all Associated Content writers, I’ve updated both the PV Converter (2.5) and the Word Stripper (1.4). Don’t say I didn’t get you anything for Halloween. If you stop by the homestead this Halloween, I’ve got lots of candy for you neighborhood hoodlums. Thanks to some last minute shopping at the Dollar Store, I have tons of 3 Moosekaters, N&N’s, and Snaker’s Bars. Happy Halloween!

Drop one Vice. Pick up Another.

So I’ve sworn off alcohol.  Yeah, that’s right, an Irish guy who doesn’t drink.  Wanna fight about it?  I thought I’d sworn off interviews, too, but Eric Pudalov threw some pretty insightful questions at me.  I couldn’t resist giving it my best shot.

Though I know you’re not really interested, here is a link to Eric’s insightful interview where I bear my soul. You can even read an excerpt from my up-coming autobiography. We discuss diverse subjects from elevators to philosophy, CDs to shampoo, indie bands and rappers.

Maybe it’s not the most urgent piece on your reading list, but it’s worth 5 minutes of your time. So if you’re standing around waiting for your popcorn to pop, why not give it a read?

An Interview with AC’s TheBarefoot View more »

Christopher Columbus Must Own My Bank

Last year, I wrote a satirical piece entitled, Columbus Day: The Ultimate Celebration for Slackers. I took a lot of liberty with history when writing it and I come back today to set the record straight.

In my original article, I stated “Even after screwing up Columbus had a job for life.” This is not an accurate statement. Columbus was set for life monetarily, but his job was yanked out from under him in 1500. Columbus was put on trial for his brutal treatment of the natives in Hispaniola. He did some time, paid a fine and retired to Spain a wealthy man.

The gold he had wasn’t enough though. Columbus sued for 10% of the Spanish income from the Americas. He lost. After his death, his family sued again and lost again. This proves my supposition that even screwed up slackers can still be cruel, greedy bastards. Any way, slack off and enjoy the best bogus holiday of the year. In light of the recent banking and mortgage disasters, what better way to celebrate than commemorating a moron who died thinking he sailed to Asia.

The Triumphant Return of Allen Smith to Associated Content

One of my favorite humor writers has broken a long, dry spell on Associated Content. It’s not that he hasn’t been busy writing elsewhere, but his AC contributions have been fallow since January 2007 when he published the very funny, Hot Careers for 2007!.

Allen Smith makes a triumphant return to AC with two new, hysterical offerings:
Speed Dating Cougars, MILFs and Chihuahuas.
Air Biscuits, Sneezures and Technicolor Yodels.

I’ve really missed Allen’s humor and was overjoyed to see these. I urge you to give them a read. Your body and mind will be better for the laughter. Then check out some of Allen’s older stuff especially Expelled from Match.com!.

Hopefully My Last Rant About Associated Content’s Forums

This will be my last blog post about how Associated Content screwed their forum boards beyond all usable functionality. When they first made the massive blunder of redesigning a perfectly good layout, I asked on of the AC employees to please consider getting rid of all the new, useless AC Connect forums. I was told their was method to the madness and the new forums were here to stay. I then asked the AC person to at least keep up with the metrics and reconsider in a month or two.

I don’t have access to the AC metrics, but I can offer a more-than-gut feeling based on watching the frequency of postings and general forum use. We can tell a lot by looking at the “Last Post” and number of threads in each forum. Here is a snapshot from around 9 A.M. MT on 7 Oct 2008.

AC Central

Forum Name	Last Post	Comments
General Discussions	10/07/2008 8:32 AM	The common denominator
Welcome to AC	10/07/2008 8:10 AM	Everyone wants to wave
C4Cs	10/07/2008 12:14 AM	It looks like it’s being used correctly
Performance Bonus	10/07/2008 8:30 AM	The newest thing here is the perennial question, “When will I get paid?” which is answered in the FAQ. I don’t have time for you not to read.
Town Hall Meetings	10/03/2008 12:55 PM	Nothing really new here.
Announcements	10/06/2008 10:15 AM	No big announcements here. Those tend to go in the General forum anyway
Award Nominations	10/06/2008 11:43 PM	The only thing new here is people nominating content for prize consideration
Feedback & Suggestions	10/07/2008 7:48 AM	The biggest complaint is still the queue lag time

 
 
Guides and Tutorials

Forum Name	Last Post	Comments
How to Promote Your Content	10/06/2008 8:15 PM	Gathering more spam.
Making Money with Associated Content	10/06/2008 3:18 PM	Lame noobie questions that have been answered 1000 times.
The Writer’s Workshop	10/07/2008 8:03 AM	This used to be growing. Now nothing is new.
A-V Lab	09/02/2008 10:07 AM	Dead and tired. Videos on AC suck.

 
 
AC Connect

Forum Name	# of Posts	Last Post	Comments
Just For Fun	1618	10/07/2008 8:38 AM	Still hopping.
Non-AC Discussions	1136	10/07/2008 8:22 AM	One of the best forums on AC
Other Online Writing Gigs	692	10/07/2008 7:55 AM	Always popular especially as more ACers look for other opportunities
Local Meetups	111	10/06/2008 9:14 AM	Lamest forum at AC
Arts & Entertainment	10	09/28/2008 5:36 PM	Dead
Parents & Teachers	2	10/07/2008 6:27 AM	One joke thread and one spam thread
Student Writers	3	09/30/2008 3:43 PM	Three threads all started by AC; combined responses, 14. Lame.
Technology	5	10/07/2008 7:43 AM	Easily a Non-AC topic
Citizen Journalism	1	09/30/2008 8:56 AM	One thread of no value
DIY & Crafts	1	09/04/2008 6:03 PM	This lonely thread was started as a joke
Health & Wellness	9	10/07/2008 6:32 AM	2 jokes, 3 AC-started threads, and a bunch of spam.
Creative Writing & Poetry	10	10/06/2008 2:40 PM	Some interest here, but AC doesn’t even pay for this type of writing
Pet Lovers	7	10/07/2008 2:09 AM	Look, I love my dogs, but this is a writing site
Sports	4	09/10/2008 8:10 AM	The joke thread here has more replies than the serious ones.
Politics	9	10/07/2008 7:50 AM	You would think that in an election year this forum would be more popular
Travel	3	09/27/2008 10:05 PM	No new posts in a week? I’m shocked…not!

 
 
It’s pretty obvious that most of the AC Connect forums are useless. The entire layout would be much more simple if these were left to the Non-AC or Just For Fun forums. Unfortunately, AC will not take an honest look at how lame these forums are. These were the brainchild of someone at AC and therefore that person has a vested interest in making them work. Politics and image win over logic and practicality.

AC can’t even use their own Announcements forum. They know that due to the difficulty using the new layout, most people use the General forum for just about everything. Even AC has resorted to posting announcements in the General forum. Again, practicality without thoughtful action. The Feedback & Suggestions forum (formally complaints/problems/bugs) remains un-manned by AC. If it weren’t for a few knowledgeable content producers, the noobie questions would remain unanswered. I, for one, don’t care to do AC’s job anymore since they can’t be bothered to listen to the community they rely on for content and forum moderation.

The redesign of the AC forums has killed any meaningful participation. Contact with an AC employee remains as elusive as the Jabberwock. The CPs who provided knowledgeable answers, have all but participating. Threads that used to gather new replies at the rate of 3 to 10 per hour have slowed to less than one per day. It used to take 60 or more replies to get a thread on the “Active Threads” sidebar. Now, because of the downturn in usage, 12 replies will get the thread listed as “Active.” That’s pretty dramatic, but will be lost on the powers-that-be.

AC simply refuses to see the evidence on the monitor. Their forums are difficult to navigate, usable information is impossible to find, and their CPs are abandoning the AC forums. If they took an honest look at the numbers, they’d see this is true. However, the head-in-the-sand philosophy of management is winning out.

I’ve found myself spending more time at a very easy-to-use writing forum that addresses AC and many other venues. Check out Accentuate Services dot com for a great source of writer’s support.

The Good News is, I Don’t Have Diabetes

One good thing about being in the hospital for four days is you get a profile of your vital signs. Every four hours, someone is taking your temperature, blood pressure, oxygenation level, and, in my case, blood-sugar level. Man, are my fingers sore.

After a three-day fast with nothing but dripping dextrose-saline solution in my veins, I was pleased to discover my blood-sugar levels remained in the (pardon the pun) sweet spot of the acceptable range. When I was finally given some solid food on Sunday, the results varied a bit more, but always remained on track.

As a result of my little brush with death, I can say with certainty that what my doctor has been thinking about my spiral into diabetes can be attributed as a secondary symptom of the real problem. Now that the primary issue is dealt with, I can discontinue one more prescription. I’ll continue to test myself, but so far, so good.

Next time…more about AC’s continuing struggle to screw their site into the ground.