Associated Content Makes Headway

For those that didn’t know, Associated Content rolled out a new format and some other changes. The author base, AKA Content Producers, were not thoroughly amused at the new “interlinking” feature, but AC is committed to it and is starting to do a little better job with it.

I’m back to posting some articles there. My latest is a pretty dry read debunking astrology, but it has it’s bright points. The real thing I wanted to do was post some links to Chris Berry’s series of articles over the last few days.

Chris took the turmoil at AC and turned it into a few articles prefaced as a Taliban turf war. I encourage you to read them, even if you don’t understand all the ends and outs of what has transpired at AC. Chris is an easy read and really can tickle a funny bone.

CONTENT LEMBIONESE ARMY DECLARES JIHAD AGAINST PUBLISHING GROUP!

LEMBIONESE SPIRITUAL LEADER EXILED!!!

MORE from the LEMBIONESE FRONT

PEACE DECLARED in HOLY WAR!

The good news is that AC has fixed a formatting problem that had trashed the last paragraph of every article on the site. They seem to be working hard to reach an amicable compromise with the CPs. So if you have the writing bug, stop by and contribute.

Astounding New Report Replaces Astrology

A new study released Monday by the Department of Health and Human Services indicates a relationship between a person’s social security number and their personality. The 3 year study shows an astonishing correlation between the last two digits of an individual’s SSN and their disposition to life, goals, love interests and fiscal earning potential.

The study was funded at $515 million over the last 3 years, involved over 5,000 participants, and has yield indisputable proof of the connection between personality and SSN. Here, translated in best layman terms are the study’s findings.

• The first 7 digits of the social security number have no relationship to anything what so ever.
• The last 2 digits are significant indicators of personality traits.
• The last digit or “ones column” of the SSN indicates general interests and dispositions.
• The second digit or “tens column” indicates higher brain functions and determines long-term goals and potential.

Here is illustration B-4 from page 207 of the report that lays out the proven results.

The last digit
0 = lethargy, sluggishness, laziness
1 = over-achievement, drive, goal-oriented
2 = self-loathing, low self-esteem
3 = friendly, outgoing, likable
4 = close-minded, crotchety, grumpy
5 = self-assured, driven, firm
6 = lusty, sex-driven, selfish
7 = spiritual, philosophical, addictive
8 = practical, mathematical, straight-forward
9 = giving, selfless, self-sacrificing.

The tens column (goals indicator)
0 = fiscal
1 = spiritual
2 = practical
3 = fanciful
4 = none, drifter
5 = peaceful
6 = sexual
7 = pioneer
8 = physical
9 = material

As we see from the personality matrix, partially reproduced here from the report’s illustration on page 233 (platte C-1), the varying combinations reflect a person’s long-term goals and general personality. The statistical variance was proven to be less than 0.22%. A negligible figure and further proof that the study’s accuracy is irrefutable.

ones> tens v	0	1	2
0	fiscal and sluggish e.g. very slow to reach retirement	fiscal and goal-driven e.g. most millionaires	fiscal and low self-esteem e.g. I can’t believe they pay me for this!
1	spiritual and lethargic e.g. a reluctant prophet	spiritual and driven e.g. Pentecostal preacher	spiritual and self-loathing e.g. You hate yourself and religion
2	practical and lazy e.g. Owns the top-of-the-line recliner	practical and goal-driven e.g. carpenters and contractors	practical and low self-esteem e.g. successful suicides

For example, a social security number ending in “00″ indicates someone who aspires to financial goals but lacks the drive and ambition to pursue them. The study correlates this with the fact that 48% of all lottery tickets are bought by people with SSNs ending in double zeros.

Further correlations are evident in the fact that individuals with an SSN ending in “66″ are poor lovers. Their goals of sexuality combine with their selfishness, making them unconcerned with their partner’s needs. Conversely, the best lovers are “69″ lovers. Their sexual goals combined with their giving nature, creates a selfless lover willing to give and receive love.

74s while they tend to be pioneers, have trouble making any real break-troughs due to their inability to be open minded. They tend to be frustrated inventors. People such as Albert Einstein who was a 78 tend to further the fields of science and math.

Personal observations by the reporter:
I was skeptical of this report and decided to put it to a personal test. Starting with myself a 03. This describes me perfectly: I love money. Can’t get enough. I’m “friendly, outgoing, and likable.” That’s one that is dead on.

There is a guy at work who hasn’t had a promotion in twelve years. I needled out of him the fact that his SSN ends in 44. He has no goals in life and is a crotchety bastard. The chart is right again! No wonder he’s stuck in a rut.

I have a daughter who is a 28. She is practical and mathematical. The results are starting to astound me.

Now that I’ve seen the numbers (no pun intended) and done a little practical application of this astounding new report. I can’t believe that this has gone undiscovered for so long. I guess it’s because most government employees have SSNs ending in 82 (verifiable through the Office of Personnel Management). They are physically motivated, self-loathing creatures with low self-esteem. In other words, they hate their job and their self and are only motivated to get home by 3:30 and get in their recliner.

The backlash from this report remains to be seen, but I for one am convinced. I’ve taken my psychic advisor off speed dial and thrown away my Tarot cards. Now I see the stars for what they are, wonderful physical phenomena and not the creators of my destiny. That role has been filled by the Social Security Administration.

Please MCI, Kill Me Now

Ahhhhhhhhh!

MCI keeps calling me every two hours with a recorded message. Sure it gets me out of the recliner and some semblance of exercise, but I don’t have their service.

“Dear MCI customer, the credit card tied to your account is about to expire. (click).” After the fifth call, I listen long enough to write down the 800-call-back number. I call back and realize what a big mistake that was. Crappy on-hold music for 30 minutes just to get India. At least this operator had been through some decent language training and has an accent I can understand. This is the actual conversation:

“Yes, I’d like to be removed from your auto-dialer. I don’t have your services and would like you to stop calling me.”

“Yes sir. Can you confirm your account number.”

“Um…no. Like I said, I don’t have your services, so I don’t have an account.”

“Can you verify the last four digits of you social security number?”

“Why? What good would that do? I don’t have an account with you. You can’t look up something you don’t have. What good would giving you my personal information do?”

“Well then sir, can you verify your billing address?”

“OK. How simple can I make this? I don’t have service with MCI and just want your auto-dialer to stop calling me. Here is the telephone number. Just remove it from your system.”

“Sir unless you can verify your personal information, I will be unable to process your request.”

“How can you look up something your don’t have? You obviously think I’m someone else. Just tell me who you think I am so I can say I’m not him. Then take me off the auto-dialer.”

“I can’t process your request unless you can verify your personal information. Transferring you to my supervisor or boss won’t do any good unless you can verify the information.”

“I didn’t ask to be transferred. Just take the phone number I’ve given you and pass it along to someone who can take it out of the auto-dialer so your computer stops calling me every two hours. How hard is that?”

“We will have someone call you back, sir. They can then verify your information and process your request.”

“OK.” (click)

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

What you can take from this rant:

1. You can’t verify what you don’t have
2. You can’t talk to India and expect to get any help.
3. If you call MCI you will be on hold for at least 30 minutes.
4. At the end of the call, you will want to commit suicide.

MCI, stop calling me. I’m not your customer. I don’t care if someone you can’t identify is about to have an expired credit card. Screw them for taking your service in the first place. They deserve it.

A Handy Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

The day before Thanksgiving is the most traveled day in the United States. Planes, trains, and automobiles all packed with mothers, sons and cousins going to visit family for the holiday. We each have our traditions; recipes handed down through the generations; favorite football teams to root for; the memories and the smells of home.

Follow these tips and you will have more time with your family, less stress, and virtually no kitchen clean up. Preparation is the key.

1. Make sure the turkey is thawing two or three days prior to the big day.
2. Wash and chop as much as you can the night before.
3. If your big meal is lunch, push it off to 1 or 2 o’clock and sleep in an extra hour. You’ll need you strength.
4. Allow 4-5 hours for a good size turkey to cook. Get your bird in the oven.
5. Have a drink. Don’t worry if it’s only 9AM. Have a good stiff drink.
6. Finish off your other dishes while the big bird browns.
7. Crack a beer while you chop.
8. Clean as you go.
9. Enjoy your huge family meal with a big glass of wine or a beer or two.
10. Scoot back from the table, loosen your belt and enjoy dessert.
11. Forego coffee with your dessert. Instead have a nice brandy or cocktail with that pie.
12. Clear the table and don’t worry with the dishes.
13. Join the family and reminisce about holidays gone by over a hard, hot apple cider.
14. Call your cousin a whore for dating a Puerto Rican.
15. Poke your uncle in the chest with two fingers when he comes to his daughter’s defense.
16. Spill your cider.
17. Get a beer to replace it.
18. Tell you mom that you’ve always thought those penciled in eyebrows look ridiculous.
19. Spill your beer.
20. Get a beer to replace it.
21. Challenge your dad to “take it outside” since he followed you to the kitchen cussing you out about the remark about his wife’s eyebrows.
22. Take it outside.
23. Fight with your dad on the front lawn until the police arrive with the TV crew from Cops.
24. Throw a beer can at the cops.
25. Wrestle with the cops until you’re naked.
26. Call home and cuss your brother out while asking him to come bail you out of jail.
27. Meet a new friend named Bruce.
28. Make bail.
29. Ride home with your brother and dad in an awkward silence.
30. Clean up the dishes.
31. Go shopping on Black Friday for a new TV because you can’t figure out how yours got a shoe through the screen.
32. Make a leftover turkey sandwich and watch yourself on Cops.
33. What the heck, have a beer.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Associated Content’s Latest Boneheaded Enhancement

Don’t get me wrong. I love to write. I put research and thought into my writing. I write on the web and know that hyperlinking has been around since the web began. But there is a time and place for everything.

Don’t get me wrong. I like Associated Content. Finding it has encouraged me to write again after a long hiatus. I began publishing articles at AC for two reasons: they pay for most content and I thought they were about good writing.

Get me right. As it turns out AC is like most other web sites: Traffic! Traffic! Traffic! Now I can’t blame them. They are making money from the traffic, so more power to them. But their latest attempt a cross-linking articles is an ill conceived and poorly executed idea.

First, they did not announce the change and surprised everyone.

Second, it’s damned distracting. I couldn’t raise a chuckle at a normally funny guy, Lee Andrew, because AC had linked the words “Tom Cruise” over a dozen times in his latest humor piece.

Third, I commonly create links in my articles that are relevant to the content. How are my readers to know which links will take them to something I intended as useful or to AC’s search function?

Forth, what happens when I intentionally link something and AC comes behind me and replaces the link with their own?

So, I’m mad and anger usually doesn’t make for good writing, but I’ll post this anyway. Please be aware that the authors publishing on AC are not writing their articles this way. Be aware that some of your favorite AC writers may abandon their site for smarter publishers.

===============================UPDATED=============================

So tempers flared and ebbed, but things are not looking that much brighter. AC’s forum presence, M.S., got a binary ear-full today.

He promises that “we have collected the concerns and complaints around this [issue] and sent them over to tech. They are aware of the problems and are working with everyone’s suggestions in mind in order to improve the way the program works.”

Translation: “AC is committed to this change and though we screwed the pooch on the deployment, we hope the content providers will be patient.” Hopefully, the web developers at AC can write a more intelligent program that doesn’t blindly replace every keyword it finds with a SED command.

I’ve got one article in the pipeline and will wait for an offer on that before making my final call. I can live with this change if they can get it right, but won’t be giving AC much after this. We can only hide and watch.

Preview: UPDATED

Here’s a little whistle-wetter while I wait for Associated Content to review my latest article.

If this were the SAT, the correct answer would be “Tom Cruise is to acting as astrology is to science,” barely believable. Astrology has been dubbed a pseudo-science, but more accurately falls in the realm of religion. Astrology has its true believers that will not be dissuaded, but the objective of this article is to lay out the facts of the matter. Astrology is bad science at best and poor religion at worst.

Dry so far? The best is yet to come. >> read the rest. it’s the best >> NOW PUBLISHED!

Cheeky monkey

Associated Content has been soliciting articles about “Top 10 Gift Ideas for…” (you fill in the blank). I’ve seen so many that it’s starting to be funny. Like I do when I see silliness, I just had to satirize it. Here’s an excerpt:

Talk about “hard to buy for.” Zombies never shop for themselves and depend on the holiday season and your generosity. Here are 10 great suggestions for the special zombie on your holiday list.

PlayStation 3
People were trampled for this?! What the frick and frack?! Pup tents at Best Buy, stampedes at Walmart, these people are the definition “undead.” They’ve only left their house once in the last 3 years and that was to buy a new game system. This is the ultimate zombie gift. >> read the rest; it’s the best >>

Dang it Sassy

I got the binoculars out and put them by the door. I was all set for the big meteor shower. Then suddenly, without warning, I fell asleep. Missed it completely. But I did have a dream last night. Like most dreams it made no sense, but somewhere in the dream was a meteor shower. So, in a way, I got to see the Leonoids last night.

I crashed and why Crash is good

Today was a HORRIBLE day. Not work; not anything in particular; just abysmal. Rainy, coldy, just a bowl-o-soup and curl-up day. I didn’t get my USDA-recommended daily allowance of sleep and it all went bejebers in a hurry.

Focus left me and I’m no good to anyone then. I cut it short and went to the only place I go when things are tough. Home. Yes I light the hearth with the first good fire of the season (checked the flue first because I’m not an idiot). I was yawning and flailing and could not keep my mind focused on anything.

There’s a movie on the counter; a DVD that I was meaning to watch because everyone said it was good. Crash. I’d read reviews, but nothing prepared me for the movie. I thought archetypes were dead. I thought God didn’t exist any where outside the human heart. Then hope was restored. I’m not going to dwell on anything. I’m not going to give away plots or do spoilers. You just have to know one thing that came from this movie. Scene 21. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

Don’t miss the ending either. That is quite a cross walk. Keep your eye on the light and tilt your head as if you were trying to unravel an emotion. Then look down. It’s still there.

The heart that beats is a heart that cares.

Messing with the Pharmacist

Here are some fun things to do when you get your next prescription filled. I really do these things out of my need to stay sane and get revenge on pharmacies.
When the clerk asks, “Do you have any questions?” Ask them something totally off-the-wall like, “Yes. Who was the third President of the United States?” This actually got two clerks into a little debate at my local Publix. >> read the rest; it’s the best >>