Be True to Yourself

Just to let y’all know, I practice what I preach. I had a medical check up last Wednesday and, as a result, had about 5 prescriptions to refill. I went directly to my friendly, neighborhood, Publix pharmacy. I did not pass “Go.” I did not collect $200.

Taking my own advice about messing with the pharmacy techs, I put on my best “I’m sick and dying” face and approached the counter. Handing my list of drugs to the new girl, with a slight crackly cough in my voice, I said, “I’m very sick and need all of these filled. I have drug-resistant tuberculosis.”

The pharmacist slowly leaned back to get a look at who was at the window. I waved and she said, “I just needed to see who they let out.” When I checked out, she told me I’d better be wearing a surgical mask next visit.

I love my life. I love that I have no inhibition chip in my brain when it comes to having a laugh or sharing a smile.

But on a more serious note, I witnessed a horrible event on that fateful trip to Publix. A woman was killed right before my disbelieving eyes. I wrote the grizzly details at Associated Content. It isn’t a story for the feint of heart or weak of bladder. Woman Beaten to Death in Local Supermarket, if you’re interested.

How to get help from Associated Content or Any Where For That Matter

I’ve had a draft article about how to get good customer service lying around for months. I did write something similar back in Aug 2006 about calling 800 numbers, but I keep thinking I should rewrite it to include how to write an effective email.

You ask, “Why?” The easy answer is, I’m on the receiving end of many similar emails. Additionally, I see so many rants in the AC forum about Associated Content being unresponsive. I can honestly say, Associated Content has never been unresponsive when I emailed a concern. Does AC love me more than you? No. AC gives priority to clear, concise emails with enough details to address the problem. That’s the kind of email that gets a response.

You don’t have to take my word for it. The following block is straight from the man who handles all of AC’s incoming emails.

1. BE SPECIFIC. If there is one specific article you’re having trouble with, tell us the title. If it’s already published, having a URL of the live content will help IMMENSELY, and will let us fix the issue faster for you. It will also help EVERYONE on the site, as we will be able to move more quickly between issues.

2. Don’t just rant. You would be shocked at how many emails I get on a daily basis that are just rants, which really don’t give any information. “YOU NEED TO PAY ME FOR THIS ARTICLE” does not describe the problem you’re having. We want you to have a positive experience at AC, but if there is an issue that’s keeping you from getting paid, once again, we need specifics.

3. Be nice. Ultimately, we’re all on the same team here. Every day, I remind myself that what’s best for the CP’s is best for AC. We’re not on different teams, we’re not playing against each other. AC is really not trying to “pull one over” on you. Also, the people reviewing your content are educated, they are smart, and they are good at their jobs. Insulting them isn’t going to help anyone do anything. At the end of the day, we are all in this together.

4. One email will do it. If you’re having an issue, you email, and you don’t hear back in 20 minutes, that’s normal. I get more than 200 emails per day, all of which need to be read and answered. Sending multiple emails about the same issue on the same content really slows the process for everyone.

I feel his pain, so let me expound on this just a bit.

5. Include Details. Dates, URLs, and article titles are very important. If needed, use dates to build a time-line of the events. In describing the problem, include the steps that you took which lead there. For example, “I was using the General template to submit an article on May 6th. I pressed buttons 1, 2, 3 and then got a blank page.”

6. Be Concise. Don’t address more than one concern in the email. Get to the point and stay on track. A bullet-point list is easier for the email recipient to scan than a 500-word ranting paragraph.

7. Use the Subject Field. In the subject field of your email, include something that gives a clue about the email’s contents. For example, are you reporting a technical bug with the web site? The subject line should read something like, “Technical Bug With Web Site. Broken URL.”

8. Include Your System Info. If your problem appears technical in any way, include you operating system (OS) and browser specifics. Don’t know what those are? It’s simple. For Microsoft Windows, right-click the My Computer icon and choose Properties. There’s your OS. “MS Windows” isn’t good enough. Include the version number. To get your browser information, select the Help > About menu.

9. Don’t assume things are FUBAR unless they are repeatable. Stuff happens. It doesn’t mean it’s AC’s problem 100% of the time. Try to replicate the problem before firing off an email. It may have just been a temporary network drop. It may have been something you did. Slow down, try it again, and make notes of what you’re doing. This will help if you do end up sending an email.

These are the things to which AC or any site responds. I’ll go out on a limb and say those forum posts about AC’s unresponsiveness are probably the result of failure to adhere to rule number 2 and 4. When you read those, between the lines is, “I fired off an mindless rant with no details and didn’t hear back so I fired off 5 more emails.” I guarantee you, those emails went straight to the trash folder.

These are the tips from the guys who get emails everyday about problems with web sites. You don’t have to take them to heart, but then you don’t have to have your problem resolved either.

Life Lesson #122: Never buy shoes by mail.

I don’t care how attractive the offer is, the return postage cost is well worth the trip to the shoe store. Always take the time to physically try on shoes in a brick and mortar shop. Your feet will thank you. Your wallet will thank you. Your letter carrier will thank you for not having to pick up a blood-soaked box the next day. The internet is great for most things, but shoe buying isn’t one of them.

Tax Day Omens

The tax forms are in the mail. That and other tall tales can be told on this, the holiest of government days, tax day. Mine were pretty simple this year, just one W-2 and some miscellaneous income to report. My poor daughter, on the other hand, had to deal with things that I, bad parent that I am, never prepared her for. We got through it together.

So where’s the omen part, you ask? This wouldn’t be odd if I lived in some rural county, but I live in a city, the third largest city in Alabama, in fact. I work on a nice campus with lots of buildings and several industrial sites. We’re near the airport for cheese sake, but that makes it all the more strange to see a coyote running beside the highway.

My brain couldn’t accept it when I saw those ears and long tail streaking down the shoulder. At first, I thought it was a fox, but my brain said, “Too big for a fox.” Then I thought it had to be a stray dog, but my brain fought back with, “Look, dummy. It’s a coyote.” It dashed across the highway in front of my and up the other shoulder. The guy in front of me couldn’t believe it either. I almost ran him over as he slowed to gawk.

I wondered if the coyote and I would meet in the parking lot when I got to work, since we were both headed in that direction, but it swerved off towards the Kohler plant. I guess it needed to place an order for some coyote-sized bathroom fixtures.

Scavenging coyotes and taxes. A fitting tribute to our tax code. On April 15^th, don’t you feel just a little picked over by Washington D.C.? I don’t mind paying my fair share. It’s the ridiculous tome the tax code has evolved into that bugs me. All those freakin’ forms! I spent 15 minutes filling out one worksheet, only to have TurboTax come back and say, “We’ll use the standard deduction.” Argh!

Write you member of Congress and tell them you want the tax code scrapped and feed to coyotes. Tell them you want the Fair Tax.

Head Down, Busy Busy, Busy, and FU IRS

I love my job. I really do. Solving puzzles is fun and that’s what I get paid to do. “I deal with the customers so the engineers don’t have to.” Wait! I’m the engineer, too. Oh, crap.

I’ve been so tied up earning a living, I haven’t had time to keep the blog up very well. April Fools Day was a blast. I really enjoyed writing and reading all the digs (Note: that’s digs not diggs. Even as a techno-geek, I find digg boring.) the blog-o-sphere created for the annual event.

Once the infernal taxes are filed, I’ll start planning next year’s joke. Taxes are a necessary suckness, made easier by guys like me. We take the tax code and turn it into a computer program in your web browser and in less than an hour, your taxes are done. Thank you computer nerds. I’d like to put us all out of a job with something like the Fair Tax. I’d end up paying more, but the stress reduction would be worth it.

If you’re curious, my effective tax rate was 9.72%, but I got a huge deduction for sending socks, Q-Tips, and lip-balm to some soldiers in Iraq. Kind of sad I had to do that, but I’m happy for the line item.

Yet Another Great Reason to Hate MySpace

In an effort to delay doing my taxes, I’ve been reading on-line quite a bit. I was pleased to get my subscription notice that Dom Coccaro published something at Associated Content.

Dom’s story revolves around changing his MySpace profile on a lark. Here is his opening paragraph:

Like most 23-year-olds, I have a MySpace page. Like most MySpace users, I frequently change my profile out of boredom. It was this state of roving restlessness that moved me to change my display name to Zac Efron. My friends found it to be amusing, so I went the extra mile and slapped a picture of Smiley Tween (not to be confused with Sweeney Todd) on my page. Little did I know that I would soon become Zac Efron in the eyes of his adoring fans.

I encourage you to read the whole story. The results of Dom’s little joke should really open your eyes. Parents, I’m looking at you. You’re not paying attention to what your children are doing on the internet. Maybe you’re not paying attention to them at all. I don’t know. What I do know is, if anyone one but Dom had tried this, there might be some kid’s body in a ditch right now.

Dom admits the whole thing scared him, “The scariest thing that I learned from this experiment is how little effort it takes to be a predator.” Where are you parents? You are supposed to be preparing these rug-rats for life. Turning your curtain-climbers loose on the net is not good parenting. I can only imagine the parents of these kids are probably hold up in the other room, updating their own MySpace page, flirting with their bodiless friends, and bouncing between 10 instant message windows.

What kind of adults will these little idiots grow into? I doubt they will reach adulthood with any decent social skills or common sense. The term “common sense” will go the way of the Dodo bird when it is no longer common. How long until the human race abandons verbal communication? How long until we can only communicate via keyboard? How long has it been since you had a shower? Get off the net and talk to your kids, you drooling, MySpace-addicted lemmings.

If you want to see what happens to kids who spend too much time on the net, check this out.  Here is a sociopath in the making.

No Check for You: the IRS Will Make Sure Your Rebate is Spent Right

Category: Your Tax Dollars at Work.

It has been said the second most frightening words in the English language are, “Hi. I’m from the government.” When this is followed by, “…and I’m here to help you,” you should run. Run as fast as you can with that load in your pants. In that vain, the IRS has decided it knows best how you should spend their…er…your money.

The IRS wants to make sure those “economic stimulus” checks do their intended job of being dumped back into the economy. To prevent high-risk citizens from just paying off their credit cards instead of buying washing machine, the IRS has started sending goods instead of money. Who is “high-risk” will be determined solely by the IRS.

I heard this story on the drive home from work on Market Place. I admit, I’m a NPR junkie. It’s great programming and just a little naughty. I don’t donate to NPR, but still sneak a listen as often as possible. Just a little danger to spice up my life. It’s like ordering the Club Sandwich. I’m not a member of the club, but the waiter never asks for ID and I put one over on him every time.

Here is a link to the printed story on the Market Place web site.

Here is a direct link to the audio version of the story. Much more interesting if you have the bandwidth. Be sure to listen all the way to the end for information on how you can help stop this silliness.

Madonna to Remake Casablanca, The Inside Scoop

The Barefoot Celebrity Buzz and Scatological Research Group, LLC (Paparazzi Division) is your one-stop shop for all things mundane in Hollywood. This week we’ve uncovered a plot to remake the classic 1942 film Casablanca.

It seems Madonna, against all good advice, got the idea and the urge to act again. This time she wants to remake Casablanca in a new setting. Rumors are flying, but TBCB&SRG(PD) has the real scoop. How is being courted on the casting couch? What will the new script contain? You can only read it here in our exclusive, insider’s story. >>

(c) Pam Gaulin (used with permission)

Breaking the Streak: 3 in 1 Month

I’ve been accused of only writing one Associated Content article per month. That has been true for a while, but something about Spring, the daffodils on the lawn, or just trying to delay doing my income taxes has prompted me to produce 3 whole articles this month.

At the end of 2006, I wrote Relationships: What Women Want and in addition to standing the test of time, it has one of the funniest lines I’ve ever written. Now I’ve taken those precepts and turned them on their ear with my latest lack-luster masterpiece, Why Your Woman Left You…

This report is the culmination of 25 years of research by The Barefoot Human Behavior and Scatological Research Group, LLC. I just wanted to make it clear that this is a scientific paper and not just some ass hat barking farts on the web. You can read the full report here.

Vogue Magazine Casts LeBron James and Gisele Bundchen in Remake of King Kong

Vogue magazine lit a nice fire with the latest cover. I don’t have a subscription, but the new “Shape Issue” caught my eye. They expound on all sorts of shapes, but mine. My doctor keeps telling me I’m out of shape. I keep reminding her that round is a shape.

Let’s try to look beyond the racial divide that still exists the world over and take something away from this furor that can be applied to life. In general, life teaches us these things.

Prejudice is human nature. Yeah, I said it. Want to fight about it? You’re prejudice. I’m prejudice. We’re all prejudice in a different way. My prejudice is just against stupidity. If you want to read my angry rant about prejudice, well screw you! I don’t like you. You smell funny and I hate you so don’t read it.